Bunny love

This is like super random but I love my bunny! 

Hehehe, so cute.

No words can describe how lousy I'm feeling.

Something to think about.

How possible is it for people of two different worlds to come together as one?

Does incompetency exist? Does inferiority exist? Does fear of judgements exist? Does esteem issues exist?

It's like a poor girl getting together with a rich man's son.
It's like a educated girl getting together with an uneducated boy.
It's like a well-mannered girl getting together with a hooligan boy.

Will it really work out? Do we see each other really equal or does every difference between people impose discriminations?

& Amazingly, this kept me wondering for the longest time ever.
& Sometimes I think about if I ever deserve anyone.

The heart factor.

Ok...since I've got some explanation...I shall try my best to really digest it and understand. It sucks because of how I'm feeling...but I guess I have to get with it. I don't really know how should I react or feel anymore.

Sigh.

Because the truth always hurt.

Hi world, it's about...1140pm now. I can't sleep even though I'm feeling really drowsy and whatnot, but my heart aches even greater than all other sickness in my body right now.

You know, I've found myself always right about my instincts and how I usually feel about things. Sometimes it's ironic, because most of the time I usually don't care about anything that happens around me but when I do, I'm really into deep shit with it. Perhaps sometimes I may be over sensitive about some issues (which I do realize), but sometimes...it just bugs me until the truth smacks right into my face - which was what I just received. We all know it and we just hate to admit it - you know you already knew, but it just hurts so badly when the truth hits you right in the face. It does.

I tried being really practical and logical and everything I could be. I asked for clarification, I asked for explanation, I asked for confirmation, I asked. And man, it sucks when all you've got is - yes that's it, that's the truth. Sigh, and there you go...I have to accept it embrace it admit it whatever you call it. I thought for once I was really being nice and diplomatic, rational and calm, everything I could do just to have a smooth, short and clear communication. I don't know if it went like 100% well, but I guess what has been said (repeatedly) has got to be the truth - it IS the ugly truth that I knew all along. 

Should I say that I'm...disappointed? Or hurt? Or upset? To be honest, I think I'm almost feeling all the negative emotions everyday until all seems to be the same to me now -.- I'm such a depressed emo kid right, I know. Can't help it, life's been so torturous to me that I'm who I'm today. I don't even know if it's a good or bad thing now that I know of such truth...but no matter what, I just feel very lousy knowing that such things happen to me. I always thought otherwise...but yeah, I am always that naive.

I'm totally unsure of when is the day that I would actually lose my sense of feelings....hahah, looking at the rate that I'm experience roller coaster emotions every now and then - silently overwhelming deep inside of me. Maybe I should just withdraw to my own silent soul and be numbed to everything else in this world. Ok that's an emo thought but I'm seriously feeling that I'm becoming more and more like that each day.

But well, recently I find that I've grown up I guess...not sure how to put it but I feel it. It's something good I suppose...afterall we all should always be evolving in the mind and attitude.

I can't really understand how can someone just dump you on your own, leaving your feelings aside and wait till you're ready then you address it. I mean, if you had a heart, you would at least think of how much hurt or damage you did to the person? Honestly, I feel that feelings is something that we should always address immediately. If you choose to wait until tomorrow or whatsoever, it can be too late because the feelings felt and the feelings accumulated the last night will all just be digested and reflected to the person overnight. Does it make sense? To be frank I really hate being left alone to deal with my feelings because I feel so alone. But yeah, I forgot I was always alone going through difficult emotions.

Ok fine, I know the angels in my head are telling me that I had enough of all these undeserving treatment and I shouldn't even be like this. I know I know, I'm blind I'm dumb I'm anything bad in the dictionary. Sigh, this sucks so badly. I'm so helpless sometimes.

Ok time check - 1210am. I wonder how long will I toss and turn before I get into sleep. No, actually I wonder if I can even get to sleep...

SIGH.

I can't help but to put others above myself. I am so selfless sometimes until I can't stand it.

Life's revolution

Was at Sepang yesterday. Lol extremely tiring trip with a sick body.

I guess life's always changing. We always never thought that we would end up with what we are now back then. I never thought that I would end up not going to university and started working. I never thought that I'd be working and doing what I am now. I never thought my rice bowl would revolve around motorsports. But I guess I'm lucky enough because I don't hate cars and I didn't mind learning about cars from the start. Maybe when I was young I already liked cars...but oh well, never thought I am actually having to be so much into it now. Maybe if I was ambitious and younger I would have went to become a racer and get myself famous, haha. Never thought that my life would actually turn out to be like what it is today.

People always call me a workaholic. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing but the truth is, I am who I am not because I choose to be, but I have to be. Too many underlying reasons for this...but all I can say is, nobody really understands why - and they tend to make such statements or judgements about me. But well, I'm not bothered really.

I used to love holidays but now I'm very restless about it. I know I can't blame anyone but myself for some things in life that I find myself feeling so bitter, but sometimes I hate myself that life's so unfair to me. So contradicting right. Don't know why but I'm starting to feel all alone as usual. Ok I have to admit, I am always alone. I'm not being emo here, just being practical about my sad life.

Actually to be honest here, I'm still struggling hard after the last incident where I was left cheated badly. I really don't know how to recover myself from it. Everytime I would get paranoid and unsure about some things. I choose to trust, but...perhaps I need some assurance...or perhaps I'm just deprived of too many things I could have in life.

Sigh, how to ever be happy?

CHEATED.

My life has been extremely depressingly exciting lately. 

Today I found out that I've been cheated for almost a year. Yeah, CHEATED for the first time in my whole 20 years of life. Wow, WHAT A LIFE REMARK.

Ok. To be honest, after my one hour of cry out, here I am in a more calm state to slowly reflect about my pathetic life. I know I'm freaking weak but I really need to cry - afterall i'm just a girl.

SO.
I USED to think I was being strong enough to keep believing and trusting in you because it wasn't easy. But I guess I'm just a fool who is oh so damn naive and didn't know what the heck was going on. Seriously stupid moron idiot retarded. There I was, fighting and working so hard but what were YOU doing out there? I felt like I was being stabbed right in my heart a thousand million times. So what's trust to me now? Can I still trust anyone? Can I still trust YOU?

I know of MANY cheating methods. You know, exam cheating; game cheating; money cheating etc. And I've got the WORST CHEATING TREATMENT - FEELINGS. Oh God, why are you so damn cruel to me please. WHY. There I was, thinking that you are not doing anything that would hurt me, I trusted you but ok, I GOT CHEATED OF MY FEELINGS. To me, this was something extremely sentimental and close to heart. Something that I would never expect you to do, something that is so impossible to happen. I THOUGHT YOU KNEW ME WELL ENOUGH TO TELL ME INSTEAD OF LYING. I was so wrong.

Lets say if it was somebody who lied to me - like maybe a stranger, or a passerby, or some random friend whom I can't really remember, or just a stupid advertiser on the streets. I WOULDN'T BOTHER. WHY HAS IT GOT TO BE YOU? WHY YOU?!?!?!?! And life is so unfair it always has to be someone who is either dear or important or close to you to do this to you. WHAT SHIT IS THIS?! I felt like my trust was taken for granted - in fact EVERYTHING taken for granted! OH MY GOODNESS, SHOULD I CRY OR BURST IN ANGER?!

Then you know what's the best part? THE STORY HASN'T END! There's a freaking part 2. Which is what? WHICH IS THE AFTERMATH. Ya, even the greatest drama or movie maker didn't produce such innovative plot of content. After I was kena cheated like a year, I thought like some efforts were made to TRULY GENUINELY try to build up the foundations of a good relationship but guess what. SURPRISE - it was actually just to MAKE UP FOR THAT GUILTY ACTS SINCE A YEAR AGO. Wow I'm totally impressed. I hate myself for being so naive.

I've heard it many many times. You heard of white lies? Of course I know, white lies are lies that are meant to be GOOD. But hey, let me tell you - a white lie is STILL A BLOODY LIE. STILL A BLOODY LIE! A STUPID LIE DOESN'T MAKE ANYONE HAPPY! What's the point of telling me it's meant to be a good intention lie. YOU LIED TO ME! YOU BROKE MY TRUST FOR YOU! IF YOU KNEW ME YOU WOULDN'T EVEN LIE NO MATTER HOW BAD THE SITUATION WAS! OMFG. And the best part? A LIE THAT YOU JOLLY WELL KNOW I CANNOT TAKE IT. Ok, talking about understanding my feelings? NO YOU NEVER DID. You could have told me anytime but you did not. It was your intention to keep it from me.

I thought you have changed from the past. Little did I know you were still the same, just using different ways to hurt me. I'm so stupid. I always thought there would be someone out there who is always real and true. Now I know, I will never ever trust anyone or give my heart to anyone anymore.

Thinking back about EVERYTHING THAT I'VE DONE AND GIVEN, I FEEL REALLY CHEATED AND DUMB. I CAN'T DESCRIBE IT MORE. ALL MY EFFORTS AND EVERYTHING I HAVE GIVEN ARE ALL WASTED.

I think I'm lost for words. Too speechless, hurt, angry and upset over everything. BYE.

Self Righteously Disgusting.

I can't help but to just feel so disgusted and irritated by some people who THINK they are right and don't bother to do some self reflection on themselves.

You are a leader but you don't behave or think like one. So utterly disappointed.

Life is unfair.

Ok.

My week started in an extremely horrible manner - close to midnight yesterday, war happened in my house AGAIN. I hate to say it but yes, it's either cold war or hot war - period.

You know they say "do unto others what you want others to do unto you"? So likewise, if you don't respect me not understand me, how to be not the same as you?! And come on, I'm freaking 20, and in 1 years' time I am turning into an adult. So please kindly stop those ridiculously nonsensical thinking of yours.

Seriously. I can't wait to have a life of my own (truly of my own). Not that I want to be sadistic or heartless or unfillial but apparently I have lost the feeling of kinship and whatsoever that's related. Whatever you say, I'd rather be an orphan because it makes no difference.

So anyway, I'm buried in my zombieness because I had a very lack of sleep last night, accompanied by my usual dreams that made my sleep even less effective. Grr, and now I'm in the office trying not to dose off. Of course, people blog because they are bored or they are free or they just have nothing better to do but rant and complain and gossip about things in life. And here I am, hurhur.

Back to topic - yes life is unfair. SO unfair. Although I would always love to think that life's great and life's beautiful but sometimes you just feel that your life sucks because you are not happy about something you CAN'T change. Some people can live life positively because they have what they need to be contented with life. Oh well. I think this is a never ending topic. So never mind.

A random made-alive post.

Life's been really busy recently. And I've actually lost touch with blogging ever since I started working.

Life has not been treating me well - i'm actually trying to survive everyday. Surviving what?

1. Money issues
2. Everything that arises from money issues

And I tell you, it SUCKS.

But well, I believe the better days are starting soon ;)

Time flies and it's the year end now - guess there's nothing much for me to look forward to but a better year ahead. Work never ends, so we always have to keep on moving.