Same, but different.

I don't know if I was thinking too much over the past few days, but I hope you are still as real to me as before.

I won't change you because I accept you as who you are. I believe if you really want to start or stop something, you will do it. You yourself make your choices and decisions to do things, there's no need for anyone or anything to force you or make you do so. I will only encourage or advice.

Our status may be different now, most things are different now, but I'm still the same.

As friends now, I will just be here as a person to encourage you, motivate you, make you feel better or happy, be there to accompany you. It may just be little actions, some efforts, some time, but if it helps, it's ok for me. Life is short, as long as I can do it, I will try.

You may be in a period of waiting, not knowing where to go, what to do, and that's ok. Take a break so that you can travel further. Take a step back, slow down and breathe. Things will not be so bad because I am here with you.

No emotions, no expectations, no hopes, no questions. I just want to be a good companion and a good friend for you in this period of time. I hope to be that pair of hands to support you and that pair of legs to walk with you through this. I sincerely hope you will find back your motivation and direction in life soon. I hope all the frustration, restlessness and irritation will end soon. I hope your new chapter of life will unfold soon and I'll be happy to be a part of it, as a friend.

A touch of reflection.

I dread waking up everytime knowing it's the same reality I'm in again. I wished I could sleep everything away. Even in my dreams, at least 1 out of 10 dreams is better than the life I'm living in today. I have nothing to look forward to, nothing to be happy about, but for everything that I know, I only know I want to be there for you, do something for you or anything that could make things better. 

Till today, I'm always learning something new about you, understanding you more each day - in the good times and the bad. I want to understand you and even though I felt like I understand you the most, and yet everyday I learn something new about you. No matter how weak or how broken you are, I have always been here accepting you for who you are. Perhaps now you may start to close up, but I really hope one day you will be able to open up to someone whom you can share your life with, everything with, like we used to be.

Thinking back about the past many years, it was an extremely amazing journey with you. Even after the first break-up we had, I never knew you would come back to me saying how much you realised you love me and it was so true and real. We stuck around each other after countless times, hanging on, trying on, just because of our love. We've been through so much together, through thick and thin, through so much adversities, challenges, happy moments - we experienced so much over the years and we grew so much together. For all the pain and hurt I've been through, yes it wasn't all-happy because of our situation but I really appreciated all your efforts, your love, your time and your heart. Thank you for loving me, being with me, and spending the most wonderful times of our lives together. I wouldn't have stayed until now if I was really found no tinge of happiness. I was willing, out of love, for you. I really don't mind living and building a future of our own from ground zero, from scratch. I don't mind if you earn a lot or earn less. I am willing to work hard together with you, to live our lives together and grow old together happily. I believe you could do it and I am more than happy to be there alongside with you to walk the journey together like we've always been. But I guess you don't see it that way or don't feel the same as me. Maybe one day you will talk to me when you are ready if needed, if not, it's also ok.

After everything, through the storms and rain, I felt like somehow we were meant to be, fated to meet, destined in this life. But maybe I was wrong, now that you tell me we can only be friends. My life is such a joke. Since this is the ending, I hope you know that you were the best I've ever had. Thank you for everything, thank you for being in my life and letting me be in yours - if there is no eternity, I'm really thankful that we had such an awesome journey together before. You will always hold a very special place in my heart, you will never be forgotten. I hope now as we be friends, we will be happy and good friends, and me - I'll always be there for you. 

I guess you are feeling very emotionally drained now, going through all these things repeatedly everyday, I really wish I could do something or anything to make you feel better. I understand you and I want to continue doing so if you let me.

I've come to realise (and probably accepted) the fact that there are many things that cannot be explained, no whys to it and simply cannot be understood. There were so many things that I couldn't understand, don't know why, and now I've told myself that - no need to understand, there's no why so no need to know. There's nothing to understand why things are they way they are. Humans are complicated with emotions, things just happen and we are constantly put into all these life lessons that we are supposed to learn from, grow from, face and come out of it stronger and better than before. It's only us who can come out of ourselves, our lives. And I hope you will be able to do so on your own. I'll always be behind you.

If you don't want to tell me anything, it's ok, I won't ask anymore. I hope it makes you feel better. I hope my presence, my company, and me alone will make you feel happy or comfortable. I'm ok with just being there with you, even in silence, if it helps.

I know that right now in this current state, you are totally not in the mood for anything. Had enough of relationships and do not want to even think about it or get into it. You are not ready and you won't be ready any sooner. It's more important now for you to get back on track in life, and find stability for yourself and depend on yourself from now on. I totally understand and I will be there for you too. I do not wish to cause you any burden, or unnecessary stress. 

You want to be friends, then lets really be friends bah. I will do my best to be your friend. 

Only the end matters.

At the end of the day, only the ending matters. Nothing else in between would.

Over the past week I've been trying my best to adjust, change, adapt, accept, embrace, and understand. I would be still doing so. Sometimes I get so tired and drained out until I don't really feel like feeling anything anymore, but other times these demons inside me kept haunting me.

I feel so jealous, all the time, it hurts so bad. Maybe it's because I feel insecure. Maybe it's because things are no longer the same. Things have changed. You are talking to anyone else but me. I feel so empty. So incomplete. Dumped far away and pretending like nothing ever happened before.

I think, I keep thinking. I think of what are you doing, how are you feeling, and if you are doing everything else that you did to me to someone else. I think and I care, but seriously, at the end of the day, who really gives a shit about me? I realised nobody cares about me, not you, not anyone.

But I don't deserve. I have no rights to be feeling what I feel. I have no reasons to feel insecure, jealous. I can't even ask for any assurance from you, or even anything from you at all. All the feelings and emotions that I face everyday, that I feel everyday, that I struggle with everyday, I don't deserve and I have no grounds to have them. Why? Because we are only friends.

I tell myself everyday that we are only friends because you said we can only be friends. Whatever happens to us, be it what we do or how we spend our time together, what we say or how we feel, I've come to realise that it doesn't even matter because at the end of the day, we are only friends. So what if I love you so much, so what if you love me, so what if we can't let go and can't move on? So what? There's really nothing much left to say because only the ending matters - that we are only friends.

Every time I want to do something, say something, I had to control and think twice because now we're just friends. There is so much suppression and control going on, I don't know if I will ever break down one day or when I will become so vulnerable and weak all over again. I miss everything so much but I also know that it's all now the past. Reality is so cruel. My life is so cruel.

Since this is the so called ending right in my face, I have no choice but to face it. If this is what you want, I've said before I will respect it. Because at the end of the day, I just hope you will be happy, and I wish the best for you, I wish you everything enough for you.

I'm trying and I will always keep trying. It's painful but if things has to be this way, this is probably my fate and destiny in life. I have never chosen to give up or to leave, but if this is the end, I will do as it is, and I know I have given my all. I always have, unconditionally.

The least I could do now, is to be here for you, as a friend.

Imbalance.

These days I've been so busy but no matter how ridiculously tired I am, my fucked up mind is still running and overthinking and doing all sorts of things to me and my heart.

I've been trying to understand myself these days, why am I doing what I am doing and why do I think what I've been thinking. I feel so fucking imbalance as I'm left hanging. I don't know if I am being too nice, or just plain stupid. Maybe both.

They say love is blind, love makes you do things out of logic - it's so true, everyday something new and unexpected happens, it's so real. The emotions running over me are so fucking real.

It's and endless struggle between my heart and my mind, and I want to kill it. I wished I didn't have feelings or emotions, I wished I could stop thinking. All these days made me so suppressed of everything that I've been feeling, I'm trying to be myself but always hiding the emotional side of me.

I really don't know, will I ever understand myself one day in this realm of fucked up emotional mess that I'm in?

Neither here nor there.

Sometimes so close, sometimes so distant.

I'm caught up in this mess of myself that I don't even know what I am doing or how I am feeling anymore. It feels so near yet so far.

I have so much insecurities in me and yet I don't know how to deal with them. I keep telling myself that I have no rights to even be feeling any of these anymore now...but why does it stay in me as if it has been there since the beginning? I seem to be needing a form of assurance that I don't deserve.

It sucks to be in a state where I am so clueless and uncertain about everything, it's like waiting for time to pass and know what is next. Time is so cruelly passing and in every moment is a painful wait of what is next.

Feeling you.

Why do I still feel so strongly even when I'm not physically with you? It's as though my instincts and my feelings are so deeply connected with yours. It makes me feel like we are one. 

I'm not sure if I am even close to say that I feel you. Even though I don't know what's going on and what's going through your mind and your emotions, but I felt somewhat connected and I feel for you. I won't ask because I promised, but every time I look at you, my heart wrenches a little more. I wish I could do anything to even help, I wish I can give you a big hug and comfort you. I don't know if I could do anything for you. I wish you would let me know if I could. 

I don't know what can make you feel better, to help make things more bearable. Tell me if there is anything I can do for you? If you need to let it out, go ahead. If you need to talk, I am here. If you want to do anything, you can look for me. I don't know what can I do or how can I comfort you...the least I can do is to just be there for you - my presence and my company. But does it even help?

I feel so sad, so emo, and I don't know why. I guess I just want you to be happy. I really look forward to the day when everything closes and you are able to start your life on a positive note and be happy and successful in life. That is all I hope for, for you.

Being friends.

It took me quite some time to accept and really register into my dumb head and hopeless heart, the very brutally cruel reality today...that we just have to be friends. No, we can only be friends. 

I guess it finally settled inside me after so long of my last hopes of little nothings. I could not understand a lot of things, and why...but I got so frustrated of my mentally tiring mind that I guess since things have come to this, I guess it's somewhat an ending for me, whether I like it or not.

As what they say, change is the only constant in life. Today I truly understood what this means. I have always been so afraid of changes, fearing changes that might cause me to lose something I used to have, or certain feelings that I experience. I hated change because I've always wanted to have and be in what I am comfortable in, what I love...but life hit me hard that this is ridiculously wrong. My life has been dramatically changed recently, every day, every moment. I missed the past, all the memories, how real I could still be feeling everything at the back of my head. But things have changed. They are no longer the same, people don't feel the same way anymore, time changes and things change. Last time is last time, today is today, future is future. My mind has been opened, I hope.

I have accepted and embraced that for the things I have no control with, no understanding with, I need to open up and let it be. Let it go, go with the flow. I had been so caught up with my mind and my own emotions that I forgot to step back and look at what is really happening. This period of time has taught me that things will never remain all the same - people change and things change. There is nothing like forever in moments. We all have to move on and let go, only memories remain and time will do the rest. I have slowly started to accept all of the above, right now the only thing I can do is to do what I should do...being friends.

I no longer can have any expectations. I no longer can have any hopes of anything. I am very clear and I was told many times that the outcome is no ending, the ending is no outcome. It's ok, because I understand. I understand how you feel, how you think, what is affecting you and what concerns you.  It's really ok, if you want to be friends, then lets be friends.

On the outside perhaps I will seem like everything is fine and ok, but deep inside me everyday, it's an endless struggle. I don't know how to be friends. Especially so when it's you. We had been otherwise for so long that I've felt like we have lived together for a lifetime. It's so tough...but I will try and I will do so because this is what you want and perhaps what is better for you. I guess perhaps right now to you it's easy and possible, maybe it's just me who needs to deal with myself.

This is of no use to say now but I guess it doesn't matter if I did or didn't. I have persevered so much in the past, suffered so much alone, gone through all the worst traumatic experiences alone and till today I am still here. They say time will tell what is true and what is not, I think this amount of time over the past many years have proven myself. I saw you when you had everything, I was with you when you had nothing. When you were at your highest, when you were at your lowest. When you showed me your darkest, and when you shone at your brightest. I never have judged you, because I am willing to accept everything. I was willing to try and give my best and my all. I have never expected anything because I was willing. Action and time tells it all, I'm not sure if you can see it. I see something in us, between us, for us. Unfortunately, you feel otherwise now and you think differently. Ok, I have to understand and accept it. We will have to only be friends as you want it. I will be happy and grateful for this.

Maybe I have never told you this before...I have never given up and never wanted to, but since this is what you want, I will do so, knowing that I have given my all. I have never regretted anything and all I gave - my time, my youth, my feelings, my everything...I gave it all with my heart. Thank you for our past, it was the best times of my life and the most memorable lessons in my life.

I will bury all that I have in me into the depths of my heart. You will always have a special place in here...always.

Standby mode

These days I feel like I'm always on standby mode - not knowing what to expect, what will happen, and I'm just cluelessly aimlessly waiting to be contacted so I can know what are the (immediate) plans up next.

I guess maybe the uncertainty of things caused all these and the only thing I can do is to try my best to understand and embrace the situation. It doesn't feel good but it will probably help if I just go with the flow too and be understanding.

Everyday has become so unpredictable, sigh.

Back to the future

I'm back here again after 3 years. We meet again, my dear diary.

I found myself coming back to where I had always been - here in my lonely little comfort zone. This is probably the only place that I can really let out how I feel, how I think and what I want to say - in such a silence.

Many years have past, and as I read through all my past memories and my blog entries, I had really no idea I was so fucking emotional as I am today. Every blog post was a story written from the bottom of my heart, all my heartfelt emotions and feelings penned down over so many years everyday...I was so proud of myself for being strong, I was also unbelievably shaken by how much I have been through alone. I am surprised at the things I've said because I never knew I could actually say those things lol, but the words that came from me were so genuine...they were all so real.

Here I am today, finding myself probably more emotional than before, filled with so much scars, hurt, pain and misery. I came back to my blog more broken than ever, seeking comfort in the midst of my own loneliness. The past month was so painful. My mind consumed me. I cared so much, too much. I loved too deeply, too hopelessly. My life seems to always be in this unending whirlwind of traumatic emotions. Sometimes words cannot even express how I really feel deep within me.

I'm glad that I did not delete my blog which holds so much precious moments of my life here. I am even more thankful that it still exists today.

I'm back...to who I always have been all my life. The one who cries silent tears, the one who is always alone, the one whose soul is always empty. This has always be me from the beginning, and it's time I am coming back to my closet self. Thank you for embracing me here because nothing else could.