I am but I am not.

I know you're not ready, not prepared, and don't wish to commit to anything. I've also said before that you can slowly take time to sort out your own feelings and emotions. You're confused I understand. I am as well. 

I guess I'm everything but just a friend. As of now, whatever it is I'm still just a friend. But I don't regret anything. I do what I wanna do and wanna give. Even if it's nothing out of it, I still give. 

At the end of the day, I only wish you will be happier than before. That's all that matters. 

I'm a wild shark.

Sharks are very sensitive and emotional creatures, different personalities and contrasting characters. Each of them are different, special, and unique. They have to keep moving to stay alive. Sharks do not care what people think of them or what they say about them. They are always their own.

People can say anything they want about us. No matter what we do, how they want to think is their problem. Curiosity is human nature, we can't control. No matter what people say or think, the reality remains anyway. It doesn't matter at all because knowing or not knowing, saying or not saying, or however people think, it's not going to change anything or does it make any significant difference. Does it matter? Is it important? Does it change anything? Fuck no.

They can say whatever they want, think however they want. It's none of their business, not their problem and even more so doesn't affect or involve anyone else. I really don't fucking care and I'm too sick and tired too. Talk about judging, the whole world judges. Nothing really matters except each his own.

But really, so what?

One day at a time.

I guess only you can help yourself to come out of it and walk out of it yourself eventually. As much as I want to help or do something, I know I can't change anything. I hate feeling helpless but I hope you will find the strength and courage to move on with time. Everything will pass, we all just need time.

Concluded.

I hope the big rock in your heart has been taken down - or at least, it seems so.

I guess we all have to move on from here, slowly and steadily.

It will all pass and time will heal. Although we don't know how long it will take. but I'm sure one day you will be free from this and able to start your life anew.

I will remember what you told me...that we'll just be friends and you don't want to be with me. I won't ask of anything, just hope you will be able to get over it with time and be happy. I will also try to move on.

Last page.

I hope when tomorrow comes, you will face yourself truthfully, bravely, courageously.

I know either way has its own pain, but you will come out of it eventually.

No matter what you choose and decide, I will tell myself to respect what you want, and also to deal with it in time.

I hope you don't settle for less. I hope you choose what makes you happier and better in the future.

The night never ends.

I need to sleep but most of the time I can't sleep. I want to sleep because dreaming is better than my reality, yet my nights always seemed to be never-ending. I dread sleeping because I dread waking up. Every morning when I wake up, it's another day of us being friends. It's painful. But there's nothing I can do because this is what you wanted.

Did you miss me over the weekend? I guess not.

Heard someone saying this today, "Don't let emotions cloud your judgement." I can't agree more, maybe we tend to decide things based on current emotions rather than looking at the big picture sometimes.

I miss your goodnight messages every night.

Goodnight to you, I hope we meet in our dreams every night as lovers, in freedom.

Why?

I have so much to say everyday, I don't know where to start, or how to even say them.

I go to sleep with a heavy heart, kept dreaming of you, woke up always in a wave of melancholy. Sometimes I would even wake up in the middle of the night, thinking about you and painfully try to get back to sleep. 

No, I'm not over our break-up. I have accepted it, but I also know I have to deal with my own feelings and emotions.

Whenever I think back about all the times we had together, I feel so sad knowing that your love was so true and your happiness were beyond words. What changed everything in between was the attachment for money. You didn't want to, you didn't dare to. We talked about emotions of feeling sorry, bad, guilty etc. These feelings won't stay forever, who doesn't feel this way before? We've all hurt people, felt guilty, felt sorry, but we have to move on and get over it after awhile. I don't think anyone feels those forever. 

It's ok not to earn a lot, as long as it's sustainable, comfortable, and most importantly - living a happy life with your loved ones. I don't mind and don't care if we are not earning a lot, as long as we are happy, healthy and comfortable. Money doesn't buy happiness - it's just a substitute of your lack of love in your life. Think about it over the years, our times together were not grounded on money. But I guess you wanted more to satisfy or replace the unhappiness in your life.

At the end of the day, lets just see this as it has been an overdue problem from the beginning, it has always been there, you just didn't make a decision until today. You know what you want. You know what makes you happy. Why don't want to make a decision for yourself and for your own life? I understand what is bugging you and what is stopping you - but trust me, those feelings will past over time, time will heal everything and we all move on. If not, do you want to trade your own life and own happiness for something out of your own negative feelings? Why want to do things that make you even more unhappy when you had a choice? You always have a choice. It's never too late to do anything or to start your life anywhere. It's really really how you think. I wished I could talk to you but I guess you won't want to.

After all these, you tell me we just be friends. Sometimes, honestly, I really felt like this was all a joke on me. But then I know how you really feel about me, and likewise for me as well. It's all so confusing the more I think about it. I only know one thing that is true and real, which is our feelings for one another. Even so, all these years I stayed by you until the end. Now you let me go, I also nothing to say. You can be brave, you can be strong. But ultimately, the choice is still yours.

I really hope you can start being happy in your life, openly and freely.

Choices.

Honestly, I feel so sad that you don't really want to look into my eyes anymore these days. Why? You said you have no mood to be responsive or respond to people. Why to me also? I thought I was more than that. Much more than anyone else. I thought.

I know how you feel, I know your moods...but you can't be always in this state. You know why you're in this state? Because you don't want to do anything about it, correct? You keep saying you don't know, but you do know. You know better than anyone else. You just don't dare to make a decision and be held responsible bah. You have to have the courage and be brave to face up to your own emotions and feelings, that's the only way for you to come out of it.

None of these feelings of emotions will last forever. It will pass with time. I understand the kind of agony you're in, but you have to face it and know what you want to do. Forgive yourself and let go, you can decide what you want to do and what makes you happy. It's you life. You have a choice. It's your choice. It all lies in how you think and how you want to see things and accept it. I wish I could talk to you but I don't know if you are ready or willing to hear me out or even talk. Everyday I see you feeling so emotionless and cold, I feel really sad. You can make a decision for yourself and your life, you have to be brave and strong to face your own feelings and your own heart. You're not alone because you have me. Perhaps to you now, I'm just nothing but a friend. But I really hope you can be happy.

I could have easily cry in-front of you all the time, saying all the drama emotional stuffs or keep talking about all these things - but I don't want to because I know you don't like it. I just want to be here as a friend and support you and be with you through this period of time. I'm trying to be strong here for you and myself, I'm trying my best. I don't know if you even see me as something or you're too in a daze in yourself that you don't even appreciate my presence.

I really hope you will be able, for once, to stand up for yourself and your own life, make a decision for yourself to be happy. You really have a choice.

I'm not sure how you feel about me anymore, but I guess it doesn't matter either. But today, I really wanted to tell you that I love you a lot even after all these, and will be there for you whenever you need...as a friend now.

Somewhere in between.

You knew what you have always wanted before, all along. You knew what your heart truly wants, what you really love, what really makes you happy. Don't you? 

But you're somehow always caught in between, ended up always in a don't-know state, because you are afraid to face your own feelings, own emotions. You are afraid of the rest of the things after that. This is why even until today, you are still hanging in between. You don't want to make decisions because you don't want to face them - end up you always choose to either let things be and go with the flow, you end up following what people decide and choose instead. It's really sad, why don't you be brave for yourself and go for what you really want?

For me, even through all the years, I know clearly what I want and what makes me happy. But because it did not turn out two-way, I still stayed because of how I really feel inside me. Now today, things are changing, but I still find myself knowing what I want and how I'm feeling. Sometimes I feel very stupid, very foolish, very naive. I feel so hopeless, so useless, so emotional. No matter last time or now, I face all the pain, literally in my face, I went through so much because of you. For what? At the end of the day, I knew what I was getting myself into and the end of it all. For what? Because my stupid heart tells me what I want, how I really feel. And all my life, I surrendered to my heart. 

I don't know what I've been feeling recently...not happy but not exactly sad. It seems like a kind of emotion I've never felt before. It's like always being in a daze, somewhat a kind of melancholy but I don't know if I'm feeling sad over anything, but there's nothing happy at all. I don't know if this is a good or bad thing. I don't know if I'm trying to be strong, or pretending to be. 

A piece of me.

You know, I'm not being noble or strong when I appear "fine" infront of you, and today, even giving you long essays of my advice, hoping to encourage you and uplift your spirit and make you understand yourself and things better.

I just put you above myself, everything above myself.

I want to give you anything that I can - my time, my efforts, my concern, my thoughts, my love. I am not at the age where I am capable of giving you a comfortable life, nothing fanciful or materialistic, but I can give you my love - all of it as I've always have. I find pleasure in being able to do little things for you, to help you with tasks, to be able to see you and talk to you, or to just be able to sit there beside you to accompany you, even in silence. I have come to appreciate everything even more now.

I try my best to be understanding, I try to understand how you feel and how you think, and relate to it. It's so natural to me because all along I feel we're one. You know everytime I see you, I always feel like giving you a big hug or a kiss to make things better.

Friends as we are now - it still hurts me everytime I think about it. That you broke up with me, that you wanted to end and just wants to be friends. That you actually chose to let me go. It is still so real, so painful. But I have accepted it today, after a month or so, as I want to respect your decision fully. You probably did this out of a really good reason, perhaps to make yourself feel better for not being such an asshole, perhaps to feel less burdened, perhaps to have alone time and space for yourself to sort things out and breathe. I'll understand, and I respect it - lets be friends. If cannot be together, then no need to be together. I'm just happy and contented that we are still friends, and I hope I can continue to be a great friend to you.

Our past was beautiful, it was awesome. They were the best times of my life. Thank you for loving me, thank you for being so real, so sincere, so genuine. Thank you for letting me love you.

I've learnt that our heart is true to our feelings and our emotions. No matter how much we try to fake or deny, the heart never lies. I've been trying to suppress, to control, to kill my feelings, to let go, to move on, all sorts of rubbish to tell myself not to love you. But the truth at the end of it is, I love you. It has been so tiring, so draining to force myself on something that is not true. Now, I just want to accept it and come to terms with my own feelings. I will fully experience all my emotions, all my feelings, accept it and know why I feel how I feel. But because we are friends, so there are some things I can only feel it myself, know it myself - and that's ok. But you know what? You deserved to be loved. No matter how unworthy you feel, you deserve to be loved. I've seen you at your best and at your worst, and I accept both of it - I accept you fully for who you are. The more I understand about you, the more I love you.

But...so what if I love you? So what if you love me? We are only friends bah.

I only can tell myself, life goes on. I only can keep telling myself, this is what you want, this is what is better for you, this is how you feel, and I want to give it to you. Now you have so many things to settle and think about, to sort out, you go ahead with those. I don't wish to be in the way, but rather, a supportive friend and encourager.

No matter what decision you make or want to do, I just hope you will be happy. After everything, I just hope you will come out of it stronger, better and most importantly, happier. We all have our own lives, and no matter how we feel on things, we need to accept them, embrace them and move on from it.

We don't know what the future will be or become, but as for now, I just want to live in the present moment, to be there for you as a friend through this period of time, to appreciate and be happy being friends with you. I no longer keep dwelling in the past because it will never be back, I will always keep them in my heart while moving forward and into my current days. I want to cherish you more as a friend, treasure you more while we can, and give you what I can as much as I can. Now is now, that's all I know.

Maybe I have always been strong, because of all the pain and misery I have been through all these years of my life. But you know what, every night I go to bed feeling so weak, so vulnerable. But love conquers. No matter how hurt, how broken I was and I am, my giving never stops. I never left. This, is the power of love.

Sigh.

I can't but I can.

Thank you for sharing with me and telling me things now. Although it may not be everything, but for every little thing you tell me, I appreciate it.

I feel and understand what you are going through, but I am helpless, I am not a saviour. I can't take away all the problems, but I can stand by. I can be here.

Understanding.

You don't wanna talk or say anything, I'll understand.

You want to be alone, I'll understand. 

You want to be quiet and do your own things and have your own space, I'll understand.

You prefer talking to your gaming friends rather than a physical friend, I'll understand.

You don't want to be close to me anymore, I'll understand. 

You just want to be friends with me, I'll understand.

You said you cannot be with me, I'll understand. 

You want to let me go and move on, I'll understand. 

If I'm no longer the person whom you can talk to, share you everything with, open up with, makes you happy, I'll understand.

For all the hurt and sadness and how you made me feel - I will all understand. While I can.

I understand the amount of change you are going through and about to undergo.

I understand the kind of emotions you face and feelings you deal with.

I understand the level of stresses and expectations you have of yourself.

I understand all the indescribable frustrations you have within you.

I understand you, because I always do. 

On my own.

When you're single, you can't afford to be vulnerable.

I'm not able to share my life, my heart, my feelings, my everything with another person. At the end of the day, I'm just alone by myself.

I guess we all belong to ourselves. We don't belong to anyone else or anything. You belong to yourself.

I will do my best to live my singlehood - in emptiness, in pain, in silent suppression.

Other than gaming, I'm going to start reading. In need of peace, silence, healing and wisdom.

Nobody cares.

Nobody cares if I'm sick or not.
Nobody cares if I needed or wanted something.
Nobody cares if I'm hungry.
Nobody cares if I'm feeling sad or angry.
Nobody cares if I'm ok.

Whenever you ask, at a call, at a text, at a request, I'll always say yes or try my best to do it or give to you. All the time, you get what you want.

But just a simple little something from me once in a blue moon, it's always a no, no matter how little it is. I guess I know now. I guess you do things only for yourself and your own interests bah, it was never for me or because of me.

I have been giving all my life, when will I be able to receive?

I really know now. Fml.

Too much.

No matter how hard I try to suppress, to bury, to deny, to not show it out. The truth never lies. The heart never lies.

 I love you too much. Too much.

Paradox of the Heart & Mind.

Listen to your heart, and the mind doubts. Listen to your mind, and the heart is not satisfied.

They always say follow your heart because the heart never lies. Can I? Should I?

How about you?

You before Me.

Through all the good times and the bad, I will be there.

If sitting there beside you in silence is enough, I'll do so.
If you need a listening ear and you want to talk, I'll do so.
If you want to let it out and want someone to know how you feel, I'll do so.
If it makes your life more bearable and your moods better, I'll do so.

Every little gesture, or action, even in silence, is for you.
I will be there if you need someone, if you want me to.
Until the storm is over, I will be there with you.

I am not sure if you will ever realise, if you will ever appreciate my presence and all that I am giving. Because sometimes I really feel so hurt and empty. But I will understand.

I have always placed you before myself. Still the same now.

Even as we are only friends.

Everything in Silence.

I don't know why the treatment to me - so cold, so neglecting, so hurtful.

I told myself not to ask because I want to do my best to be understanding. Or at least tell myself so.

I swallow everything down, how I feel and how I think, suppressing and controlling. Just so that I will be there, even if invisibly, to accompany you and hope you can enjoy yourself.

I know. I am just another friend to you. Or maybe even lesser.

Dreaming Reality

Even in my dreams, my reality is haunting me. Just when I thought sleeping is the only way to forget about what I'm feeling temporarily.

So lost, I'm faded.

I don't know about you, but I guess now you have other friends, other people and other priorities that are more interesting, more entertaining, happier and better than just me. I'm just a fool hanging no where going in circles.

I guess you don't care about how I feel, what I think, what is happening in my life anymore as well. Kinda hard to believe that things have just changed suddenly. You don't tell me everything anymore, you don't feel like and you don't want to. If so, I am doing the same as well. Because we're friends right? This is how friends should be? Yeah ok, I'm on my way.

I don't want to be emotionally attached to anyone or anything anymore. I am sick of my life, tired of all the emotions and feelings that I'm suppressing and repressing every now and then. I don't want to feel anything anymore, I just want to be numb to all of these.

I want to guard my empty heart, my empty soul, and never show my feelings anymore.

Overwhelming Emotions.

I'm just a fucking nobody - why can't I drill this into my dumb head. From a somebody, now I'm just a nobody. Ownself already know clearly but why still like this???

I hate myself for being so worked up. Why? Is it because I suddenly forgot I'm just a friend? I slipped my mind and allow myself to have expectations just because I felt differently? That fucking moment when I did not hold it back...I so regretted it.

I just want to be as numb as possible to all my feelings. I want to hold them back, hold all my feelings back and inhibit them all away. Whatever happens, I can only tell myself that we are only friends and no big deal about it. Things have changed, people have changed and I better fucking tell myself not to have any fucking expectations. Cut all the fucking questions and stop all the ridiculous concern because nobody gives a fuck whether I care or not or how I feel.

However I feel, whatever I feel, it all has to be repressed. I really don't want to think about it or feel anything anymore. I fucking hate emotions and feelings now. I don't want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to fucking kill all my emotions and feelings.

I feel so fucking weak inside me.

Fuck my life, seriously.

Lost.

I don't know what is right and what is wrong anymore. I guess emotions and feelings have no right and wrong...has it always been right or has it always been wrong? I've always thought following my heart will do, as long as the feeling is right. But why do i sometimes feel otherwise now? Is it because I don't feel appreciated or taken for granted for, or things shouldn't be this way now? I really don't know anymore.

Just a Nobody.

I don't know why I can't stop feeling jealous, or rather upset? I know I have no rights to be feeling like this but everytime it's so painful :(

I guess I'm just a nobody to you, that you have other priorities, that you attention is given to someone else, that you time and your all your emotions are to anyone and anything but me.

I'm so pathetic. So stupid. So hopeless.

Repression.

I feel so helpless everytime when I see you so upset, so moody, so frustrated and so drained. I wish I could do something for you. I wish I could take your place.

Seeing you so down makes me so weak. I'm trying to be strong everyday so that I can be there for you. I try so hard not to be emotional, not to give in to the demons inside my mind.

I don't know if my presence does make anything better because your silence speaks so loud. Sigh.

I'm trying so hard everyday not to feel or show what I'm truly feeling and thinking. This is what I have become.

Hidden Anxiety.

I'm trying to be strong so that I can be there for you. Everytime I see you feeling so emotional, it really pains me. I feel so helpless not knowing what is going on, and I really wish I could do something for you. It's your journey but I hope to be there to walk with you to make the walk better.

Please be strong, I know you can do it.

Sigh, when will things have a proper closure so that everyone can start moving on? :(

Same, but different.

I don't know if I was thinking too much over the past few days, but I hope you are still as real to me as before.

I won't change you because I accept you as who you are. I believe if you really want to start or stop something, you will do it. You yourself make your choices and decisions to do things, there's no need for anyone or anything to force you or make you do so. I will only encourage or advice.

Our status may be different now, most things are different now, but I'm still the same.

As friends now, I will just be here as a person to encourage you, motivate you, make you feel better or happy, be there to accompany you. It may just be little actions, some efforts, some time, but if it helps, it's ok for me. Life is short, as long as I can do it, I will try.

You may be in a period of waiting, not knowing where to go, what to do, and that's ok. Take a break so that you can travel further. Take a step back, slow down and breathe. Things will not be so bad because I am here with you.

No emotions, no expectations, no hopes, no questions. I just want to be a good companion and a good friend for you in this period of time. I hope to be that pair of hands to support you and that pair of legs to walk with you through this. I sincerely hope you will find back your motivation and direction in life soon. I hope all the frustration, restlessness and irritation will end soon. I hope your new chapter of life will unfold soon and I'll be happy to be a part of it, as a friend.

A touch of reflection.

I dread waking up everytime knowing it's the same reality I'm in again. I wished I could sleep everything away. Even in my dreams, at least 1 out of 10 dreams is better than the life I'm living in today. I have nothing to look forward to, nothing to be happy about, but for everything that I know, I only know I want to be there for you, do something for you or anything that could make things better. 

Till today, I'm always learning something new about you, understanding you more each day - in the good times and the bad. I want to understand you and even though I felt like I understand you the most, and yet everyday I learn something new about you. No matter how weak or how broken you are, I have always been here accepting you for who you are. Perhaps now you may start to close up, but I really hope one day you will be able to open up to someone whom you can share your life with, everything with, like we used to be.

Thinking back about the past many years, it was an extremely amazing journey with you. Even after the first break-up we had, I never knew you would come back to me saying how much you realised you love me and it was so true and real. We stuck around each other after countless times, hanging on, trying on, just because of our love. We've been through so much together, through thick and thin, through so much adversities, challenges, happy moments - we experienced so much over the years and we grew so much together. For all the pain and hurt I've been through, yes it wasn't all-happy because of our situation but I really appreciated all your efforts, your love, your time and your heart. Thank you for loving me, being with me, and spending the most wonderful times of our lives together. I wouldn't have stayed until now if I was really found no tinge of happiness. I was willing, out of love, for you. I really don't mind living and building a future of our own from ground zero, from scratch. I don't mind if you earn a lot or earn less. I am willing to work hard together with you, to live our lives together and grow old together happily. I believe you could do it and I am more than happy to be there alongside with you to walk the journey together like we've always been. But I guess you don't see it that way or don't feel the same as me. Maybe one day you will talk to me when you are ready if needed, if not, it's also ok.

After everything, through the storms and rain, I felt like somehow we were meant to be, fated to meet, destined in this life. But maybe I was wrong, now that you tell me we can only be friends. My life is such a joke. Since this is the ending, I hope you know that you were the best I've ever had. Thank you for everything, thank you for being in my life and letting me be in yours - if there is no eternity, I'm really thankful that we had such an awesome journey together before. You will always hold a very special place in my heart, you will never be forgotten. I hope now as we be friends, we will be happy and good friends, and me - I'll always be there for you. 

I guess you are feeling very emotionally drained now, going through all these things repeatedly everyday, I really wish I could do something or anything to make you feel better. I understand you and I want to continue doing so if you let me.

I've come to realise (and probably accepted) the fact that there are many things that cannot be explained, no whys to it and simply cannot be understood. There were so many things that I couldn't understand, don't know why, and now I've told myself that - no need to understand, there's no why so no need to know. There's nothing to understand why things are they way they are. Humans are complicated with emotions, things just happen and we are constantly put into all these life lessons that we are supposed to learn from, grow from, face and come out of it stronger and better than before. It's only us who can come out of ourselves, our lives. And I hope you will be able to do so on your own. I'll always be behind you.

If you don't want to tell me anything, it's ok, I won't ask anymore. I hope it makes you feel better. I hope my presence, my company, and me alone will make you feel happy or comfortable. I'm ok with just being there with you, even in silence, if it helps.

I know that right now in this current state, you are totally not in the mood for anything. Had enough of relationships and do not want to even think about it or get into it. You are not ready and you won't be ready any sooner. It's more important now for you to get back on track in life, and find stability for yourself and depend on yourself from now on. I totally understand and I will be there for you too. I do not wish to cause you any burden, or unnecessary stress. 

You want to be friends, then lets really be friends bah. I will do my best to be your friend. 

Only the end matters.

At the end of the day, only the ending matters. Nothing else in between would.

Over the past week I've been trying my best to adjust, change, adapt, accept, embrace, and understand. I would be still doing so. Sometimes I get so tired and drained out until I don't really feel like feeling anything anymore, but other times these demons inside me kept haunting me.

I feel so jealous, all the time, it hurts so bad. Maybe it's because I feel insecure. Maybe it's because things are no longer the same. Things have changed. You are talking to anyone else but me. I feel so empty. So incomplete. Dumped far away and pretending like nothing ever happened before.

I think, I keep thinking. I think of what are you doing, how are you feeling, and if you are doing everything else that you did to me to someone else. I think and I care, but seriously, at the end of the day, who really gives a shit about me? I realised nobody cares about me, not you, not anyone.

But I don't deserve. I have no rights to be feeling what I feel. I have no reasons to feel insecure, jealous. I can't even ask for any assurance from you, or even anything from you at all. All the feelings and emotions that I face everyday, that I feel everyday, that I struggle with everyday, I don't deserve and I have no grounds to have them. Why? Because we are only friends.

I tell myself everyday that we are only friends because you said we can only be friends. Whatever happens to us, be it what we do or how we spend our time together, what we say or how we feel, I've come to realise that it doesn't even matter because at the end of the day, we are only friends. So what if I love you so much, so what if you love me, so what if we can't let go and can't move on? So what? There's really nothing much left to say because only the ending matters - that we are only friends.

Every time I want to do something, say something, I had to control and think twice because now we're just friends. There is so much suppression and control going on, I don't know if I will ever break down one day or when I will become so vulnerable and weak all over again. I miss everything so much but I also know that it's all now the past. Reality is so cruel. My life is so cruel.

Since this is the so called ending right in my face, I have no choice but to face it. If this is what you want, I've said before I will respect it. Because at the end of the day, I just hope you will be happy, and I wish the best for you, I wish you everything enough for you.

I'm trying and I will always keep trying. It's painful but if things has to be this way, this is probably my fate and destiny in life. I have never chosen to give up or to leave, but if this is the end, I will do as it is, and I know I have given my all. I always have, unconditionally.

The least I could do now, is to be here for you, as a friend.

Imbalance.

These days I've been so busy but no matter how ridiculously tired I am, my fucked up mind is still running and overthinking and doing all sorts of things to me and my heart.

I've been trying to understand myself these days, why am I doing what I am doing and why do I think what I've been thinking. I feel so fucking imbalance as I'm left hanging. I don't know if I am being too nice, or just plain stupid. Maybe both.

They say love is blind, love makes you do things out of logic - it's so true, everyday something new and unexpected happens, it's so real. The emotions running over me are so fucking real.

It's and endless struggle between my heart and my mind, and I want to kill it. I wished I didn't have feelings or emotions, I wished I could stop thinking. All these days made me so suppressed of everything that I've been feeling, I'm trying to be myself but always hiding the emotional side of me.

I really don't know, will I ever understand myself one day in this realm of fucked up emotional mess that I'm in?

Neither here nor there.

Sometimes so close, sometimes so distant.

I'm caught up in this mess of myself that I don't even know what I am doing or how I am feeling anymore. It feels so near yet so far.

I have so much insecurities in me and yet I don't know how to deal with them. I keep telling myself that I have no rights to even be feeling any of these anymore now...but why does it stay in me as if it has been there since the beginning? I seem to be needing a form of assurance that I don't deserve.

It sucks to be in a state where I am so clueless and uncertain about everything, it's like waiting for time to pass and know what is next. Time is so cruelly passing and in every moment is a painful wait of what is next.

Feeling you.

Why do I still feel so strongly even when I'm not physically with you? It's as though my instincts and my feelings are so deeply connected with yours. It makes me feel like we are one. 

I'm not sure if I am even close to say that I feel you. Even though I don't know what's going on and what's going through your mind and your emotions, but I felt somewhat connected and I feel for you. I won't ask because I promised, but every time I look at you, my heart wrenches a little more. I wish I could do anything to even help, I wish I can give you a big hug and comfort you. I don't know if I could do anything for you. I wish you would let me know if I could. 

I don't know what can make you feel better, to help make things more bearable. Tell me if there is anything I can do for you? If you need to let it out, go ahead. If you need to talk, I am here. If you want to do anything, you can look for me. I don't know what can I do or how can I comfort you...the least I can do is to just be there for you - my presence and my company. But does it even help?

I feel so sad, so emo, and I don't know why. I guess I just want you to be happy. I really look forward to the day when everything closes and you are able to start your life on a positive note and be happy and successful in life. That is all I hope for, for you.

Being friends.

It took me quite some time to accept and really register into my dumb head and hopeless heart, the very brutally cruel reality today...that we just have to be friends. No, we can only be friends. 

I guess it finally settled inside me after so long of my last hopes of little nothings. I could not understand a lot of things, and why...but I got so frustrated of my mentally tiring mind that I guess since things have come to this, I guess it's somewhat an ending for me, whether I like it or not.

As what they say, change is the only constant in life. Today I truly understood what this means. I have always been so afraid of changes, fearing changes that might cause me to lose something I used to have, or certain feelings that I experience. I hated change because I've always wanted to have and be in what I am comfortable in, what I love...but life hit me hard that this is ridiculously wrong. My life has been dramatically changed recently, every day, every moment. I missed the past, all the memories, how real I could still be feeling everything at the back of my head. But things have changed. They are no longer the same, people don't feel the same way anymore, time changes and things change. Last time is last time, today is today, future is future. My mind has been opened, I hope.

I have accepted and embraced that for the things I have no control with, no understanding with, I need to open up and let it be. Let it go, go with the flow. I had been so caught up with my mind and my own emotions that I forgot to step back and look at what is really happening. This period of time has taught me that things will never remain all the same - people change and things change. There is nothing like forever in moments. We all have to move on and let go, only memories remain and time will do the rest. I have slowly started to accept all of the above, right now the only thing I can do is to do what I should do...being friends.

I no longer can have any expectations. I no longer can have any hopes of anything. I am very clear and I was told many times that the outcome is no ending, the ending is no outcome. It's ok, because I understand. I understand how you feel, how you think, what is affecting you and what concerns you.  It's really ok, if you want to be friends, then lets be friends.

On the outside perhaps I will seem like everything is fine and ok, but deep inside me everyday, it's an endless struggle. I don't know how to be friends. Especially so when it's you. We had been otherwise for so long that I've felt like we have lived together for a lifetime. It's so tough...but I will try and I will do so because this is what you want and perhaps what is better for you. I guess perhaps right now to you it's easy and possible, maybe it's just me who needs to deal with myself.

This is of no use to say now but I guess it doesn't matter if I did or didn't. I have persevered so much in the past, suffered so much alone, gone through all the worst traumatic experiences alone and till today I am still here. They say time will tell what is true and what is not, I think this amount of time over the past many years have proven myself. I saw you when you had everything, I was with you when you had nothing. When you were at your highest, when you were at your lowest. When you showed me your darkest, and when you shone at your brightest. I never have judged you, because I am willing to accept everything. I was willing to try and give my best and my all. I have never expected anything because I was willing. Action and time tells it all, I'm not sure if you can see it. I see something in us, between us, for us. Unfortunately, you feel otherwise now and you think differently. Ok, I have to understand and accept it. We will have to only be friends as you want it. I will be happy and grateful for this.

Maybe I have never told you this before...I have never given up and never wanted to, but since this is what you want, I will do so, knowing that I have given my all. I have never regretted anything and all I gave - my time, my youth, my feelings, my everything...I gave it all with my heart. Thank you for our past, it was the best times of my life and the most memorable lessons in my life.

I will bury all that I have in me into the depths of my heart. You will always have a special place in here...always.

Standby mode

These days I feel like I'm always on standby mode - not knowing what to expect, what will happen, and I'm just cluelessly aimlessly waiting to be contacted so I can know what are the (immediate) plans up next.

I guess maybe the uncertainty of things caused all these and the only thing I can do is to try my best to understand and embrace the situation. It doesn't feel good but it will probably help if I just go with the flow too and be understanding.

Everyday has become so unpredictable, sigh.

Back to the future

I'm back here again after 3 years. We meet again, my dear diary.

I found myself coming back to where I had always been - here in my lonely little comfort zone. This is probably the only place that I can really let out how I feel, how I think and what I want to say - in such a silence.

Many years have past, and as I read through all my past memories and my blog entries, I had really no idea I was so fucking emotional as I am today. Every blog post was a story written from the bottom of my heart, all my heartfelt emotions and feelings penned down over so many years everyday...I was so proud of myself for being strong, I was also unbelievably shaken by how much I have been through alone. I am surprised at the things I've said because I never knew I could actually say those things lol, but the words that came from me were so genuine...they were all so real.

Here I am today, finding myself probably more emotional than before, filled with so much scars, hurt, pain and misery. I came back to my blog more broken than ever, seeking comfort in the midst of my own loneliness. The past month was so painful. My mind consumed me. I cared so much, too much. I loved too deeply, too hopelessly. My life seems to always be in this unending whirlwind of traumatic emotions. Sometimes words cannot even express how I really feel deep within me.

I'm glad that I did not delete my blog which holds so much precious moments of my life here. I am even more thankful that it still exists today.

I'm back...to who I always have been all my life. The one who cries silent tears, the one who is always alone, the one whose soul is always empty. This has always be me from the beginning, and it's time I am coming back to my closet self. Thank you for embracing me here because nothing else could.