Why?

I have so much to say everyday, I don't know where to start, or how to even say them.

I go to sleep with a heavy heart, kept dreaming of you, woke up always in a wave of melancholy. Sometimes I would even wake up in the middle of the night, thinking about you and painfully try to get back to sleep. 

No, I'm not over our break-up. I have accepted it, but I also know I have to deal with my own feelings and emotions.

Whenever I think back about all the times we had together, I feel so sad knowing that your love was so true and your happiness were beyond words. What changed everything in between was the attachment for money. You didn't want to, you didn't dare to. We talked about emotions of feeling sorry, bad, guilty etc. These feelings won't stay forever, who doesn't feel this way before? We've all hurt people, felt guilty, felt sorry, but we have to move on and get over it after awhile. I don't think anyone feels those forever. 

It's ok not to earn a lot, as long as it's sustainable, comfortable, and most importantly - living a happy life with your loved ones. I don't mind and don't care if we are not earning a lot, as long as we are happy, healthy and comfortable. Money doesn't buy happiness - it's just a substitute of your lack of love in your life. Think about it over the years, our times together were not grounded on money. But I guess you wanted more to satisfy or replace the unhappiness in your life.

At the end of the day, lets just see this as it has been an overdue problem from the beginning, it has always been there, you just didn't make a decision until today. You know what you want. You know what makes you happy. Why don't want to make a decision for yourself and for your own life? I understand what is bugging you and what is stopping you - but trust me, those feelings will past over time, time will heal everything and we all move on. If not, do you want to trade your own life and own happiness for something out of your own negative feelings? Why want to do things that make you even more unhappy when you had a choice? You always have a choice. It's never too late to do anything or to start your life anywhere. It's really really how you think. I wished I could talk to you but I guess you won't want to.

After all these, you tell me we just be friends. Sometimes, honestly, I really felt like this was all a joke on me. But then I know how you really feel about me, and likewise for me as well. It's all so confusing the more I think about it. I only know one thing that is true and real, which is our feelings for one another. Even so, all these years I stayed by you until the end. Now you let me go, I also nothing to say. You can be brave, you can be strong. But ultimately, the choice is still yours.

I really hope you can start being happy in your life, openly and freely.