You know, I'm not being noble or strong when I appear "fine" infront of you, and today, even giving you long essays of my advice, hoping to encourage you and uplift your spirit and make you understand yourself and things better.
I just put you above myself, everything above myself.
I want to give you anything that I can - my time, my efforts, my concern, my thoughts, my love. I am not at the age where I am capable of giving you a comfortable life, nothing fanciful or materialistic, but I can give you my love - all of it as I've always have. I find pleasure in being able to do little things for you, to help you with tasks, to be able to see you and talk to you, or to just be able to sit there beside you to accompany you, even in silence. I have come to appreciate everything even more now.
I try my best to be understanding, I try to understand how you feel and how you think, and relate to it. It's so natural to me because all along I feel we're one. You know everytime I see you, I always feel like giving you a big hug or a kiss to make things better.
Friends as we are now - it still hurts me everytime I think about it. That you broke up with me, that you wanted to end and just wants to be friends. That you actually chose to let me go. It is still so real, so painful. But I have accepted it today, after a month or so, as I want to respect your decision fully. You probably did this out of a really good reason, perhaps to make yourself feel better for not being such an asshole, perhaps to feel less burdened, perhaps to have alone time and space for yourself to sort things out and breathe. I'll understand, and I respect it - lets be friends. If cannot be together, then no need to be together. I'm just happy and contented that we are still friends, and I hope I can continue to be a great friend to you.
Our past was beautiful, it was awesome. They were the best times of my life. Thank you for loving me, thank you for being so real, so sincere, so genuine. Thank you for letting me love you.
I've learnt that our heart is true to our feelings and our emotions. No matter how much we try to fake or deny, the heart never lies. I've been trying to suppress, to control, to kill my feelings, to let go, to move on, all sorts of rubbish to tell myself not to love you. But the truth at the end of it is, I love you. It has been so tiring, so draining to force myself on something that is not true. Now, I just want to accept it and come to terms with my own feelings. I will fully experience all my emotions, all my feelings, accept it and know why I feel how I feel. But because we are friends, so there are some things I can only feel it myself, know it myself - and that's ok. But you know what? You deserved to be loved. No matter how unworthy you feel, you deserve to be loved. I've seen you at your best and at your worst, and I accept both of it - I accept you fully for who you are. The more I understand about you, the more I love you.
But...so what if I love you? So what if you love me? We are only friends bah.
I only can tell myself, life goes on. I only can keep telling myself, this is what you want, this is what is better for you, this is how you feel, and I want to give it to you. Now you have so many things to settle and think about, to sort out, you go ahead with those. I don't wish to be in the way, but rather, a supportive friend and encourager.
No matter what decision you make or want to do, I just hope you will be happy. After everything, I just hope you will come out of it stronger, better and most importantly, happier. We all have our own lives, and no matter how we feel on things, we need to accept them, embrace them and move on from it.
We don't know what the future will be or become, but as for now, I just want to live in the present moment, to be there for you as a friend through this period of time, to appreciate and be happy being friends with you. I no longer keep dwelling in the past because it will never be back, I will always keep them in my heart while moving forward and into my current days. I want to cherish you more as a friend, treasure you more while we can, and give you what I can as much as I can. Now is now, that's all I know.
Maybe I have always been strong, because of all the pain and misery I have been through all these years of my life. But you know what, every night I go to bed feeling so weak, so vulnerable. But love conquers. No matter how hurt, how broken I was and I am, my giving never stops. I never left. This, is the power of love.
Sigh.
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