Last page.

I hope when tomorrow comes, you will face yourself truthfully, bravely, courageously.

I know either way has its own pain, but you will come out of it eventually.

No matter what you choose and decide, I will tell myself to respect what you want, and also to deal with it in time.

I hope you don't settle for less. I hope you choose what makes you happier and better in the future.

The night never ends.

I need to sleep but most of the time I can't sleep. I want to sleep because dreaming is better than my reality, yet my nights always seemed to be never-ending. I dread sleeping because I dread waking up. Every morning when I wake up, it's another day of us being friends. It's painful. But there's nothing I can do because this is what you wanted.

Did you miss me over the weekend? I guess not.

Heard someone saying this today, "Don't let emotions cloud your judgement." I can't agree more, maybe we tend to decide things based on current emotions rather than looking at the big picture sometimes.

I miss your goodnight messages every night.

Goodnight to you, I hope we meet in our dreams every night as lovers, in freedom.

Why?

I have so much to say everyday, I don't know where to start, or how to even say them.

I go to sleep with a heavy heart, kept dreaming of you, woke up always in a wave of melancholy. Sometimes I would even wake up in the middle of the night, thinking about you and painfully try to get back to sleep. 

No, I'm not over our break-up. I have accepted it, but I also know I have to deal with my own feelings and emotions.

Whenever I think back about all the times we had together, I feel so sad knowing that your love was so true and your happiness were beyond words. What changed everything in between was the attachment for money. You didn't want to, you didn't dare to. We talked about emotions of feeling sorry, bad, guilty etc. These feelings won't stay forever, who doesn't feel this way before? We've all hurt people, felt guilty, felt sorry, but we have to move on and get over it after awhile. I don't think anyone feels those forever. 

It's ok not to earn a lot, as long as it's sustainable, comfortable, and most importantly - living a happy life with your loved ones. I don't mind and don't care if we are not earning a lot, as long as we are happy, healthy and comfortable. Money doesn't buy happiness - it's just a substitute of your lack of love in your life. Think about it over the years, our times together were not grounded on money. But I guess you wanted more to satisfy or replace the unhappiness in your life.

At the end of the day, lets just see this as it has been an overdue problem from the beginning, it has always been there, you just didn't make a decision until today. You know what you want. You know what makes you happy. Why don't want to make a decision for yourself and for your own life? I understand what is bugging you and what is stopping you - but trust me, those feelings will past over time, time will heal everything and we all move on. If not, do you want to trade your own life and own happiness for something out of your own negative feelings? Why want to do things that make you even more unhappy when you had a choice? You always have a choice. It's never too late to do anything or to start your life anywhere. It's really really how you think. I wished I could talk to you but I guess you won't want to.

After all these, you tell me we just be friends. Sometimes, honestly, I really felt like this was all a joke on me. But then I know how you really feel about me, and likewise for me as well. It's all so confusing the more I think about it. I only know one thing that is true and real, which is our feelings for one another. Even so, all these years I stayed by you until the end. Now you let me go, I also nothing to say. You can be brave, you can be strong. But ultimately, the choice is still yours.

I really hope you can start being happy in your life, openly and freely.

Choices.

Honestly, I feel so sad that you don't really want to look into my eyes anymore these days. Why? You said you have no mood to be responsive or respond to people. Why to me also? I thought I was more than that. Much more than anyone else. I thought.

I know how you feel, I know your moods...but you can't be always in this state. You know why you're in this state? Because you don't want to do anything about it, correct? You keep saying you don't know, but you do know. You know better than anyone else. You just don't dare to make a decision and be held responsible bah. You have to have the courage and be brave to face up to your own emotions and feelings, that's the only way for you to come out of it.

None of these feelings of emotions will last forever. It will pass with time. I understand the kind of agony you're in, but you have to face it and know what you want to do. Forgive yourself and let go, you can decide what you want to do and what makes you happy. It's you life. You have a choice. It's your choice. It all lies in how you think and how you want to see things and accept it. I wish I could talk to you but I don't know if you are ready or willing to hear me out or even talk. Everyday I see you feeling so emotionless and cold, I feel really sad. You can make a decision for yourself and your life, you have to be brave and strong to face your own feelings and your own heart. You're not alone because you have me. Perhaps to you now, I'm just nothing but a friend. But I really hope you can be happy.

I could have easily cry in-front of you all the time, saying all the drama emotional stuffs or keep talking about all these things - but I don't want to because I know you don't like it. I just want to be here as a friend and support you and be with you through this period of time. I'm trying to be strong here for you and myself, I'm trying my best. I don't know if you even see me as something or you're too in a daze in yourself that you don't even appreciate my presence.

I really hope you will be able, for once, to stand up for yourself and your own life, make a decision for yourself to be happy. You really have a choice.

I'm not sure how you feel about me anymore, but I guess it doesn't matter either. But today, I really wanted to tell you that I love you a lot even after all these, and will be there for you whenever you need...as a friend now.

Somewhere in between.

You knew what you have always wanted before, all along. You knew what your heart truly wants, what you really love, what really makes you happy. Don't you? 

But you're somehow always caught in between, ended up always in a don't-know state, because you are afraid to face your own feelings, own emotions. You are afraid of the rest of the things after that. This is why even until today, you are still hanging in between. You don't want to make decisions because you don't want to face them - end up you always choose to either let things be and go with the flow, you end up following what people decide and choose instead. It's really sad, why don't you be brave for yourself and go for what you really want?

For me, even through all the years, I know clearly what I want and what makes me happy. But because it did not turn out two-way, I still stayed because of how I really feel inside me. Now today, things are changing, but I still find myself knowing what I want and how I'm feeling. Sometimes I feel very stupid, very foolish, very naive. I feel so hopeless, so useless, so emotional. No matter last time or now, I face all the pain, literally in my face, I went through so much because of you. For what? At the end of the day, I knew what I was getting myself into and the end of it all. For what? Because my stupid heart tells me what I want, how I really feel. And all my life, I surrendered to my heart. 

I don't know what I've been feeling recently...not happy but not exactly sad. It seems like a kind of emotion I've never felt before. It's like always being in a daze, somewhat a kind of melancholy but I don't know if I'm feeling sad over anything, but there's nothing happy at all. I don't know if this is a good or bad thing. I don't know if I'm trying to be strong, or pretending to be. 

A piece of me.

You know, I'm not being noble or strong when I appear "fine" infront of you, and today, even giving you long essays of my advice, hoping to encourage you and uplift your spirit and make you understand yourself and things better.

I just put you above myself, everything above myself.

I want to give you anything that I can - my time, my efforts, my concern, my thoughts, my love. I am not at the age where I am capable of giving you a comfortable life, nothing fanciful or materialistic, but I can give you my love - all of it as I've always have. I find pleasure in being able to do little things for you, to help you with tasks, to be able to see you and talk to you, or to just be able to sit there beside you to accompany you, even in silence. I have come to appreciate everything even more now.

I try my best to be understanding, I try to understand how you feel and how you think, and relate to it. It's so natural to me because all along I feel we're one. You know everytime I see you, I always feel like giving you a big hug or a kiss to make things better.

Friends as we are now - it still hurts me everytime I think about it. That you broke up with me, that you wanted to end and just wants to be friends. That you actually chose to let me go. It is still so real, so painful. But I have accepted it today, after a month or so, as I want to respect your decision fully. You probably did this out of a really good reason, perhaps to make yourself feel better for not being such an asshole, perhaps to feel less burdened, perhaps to have alone time and space for yourself to sort things out and breathe. I'll understand, and I respect it - lets be friends. If cannot be together, then no need to be together. I'm just happy and contented that we are still friends, and I hope I can continue to be a great friend to you.

Our past was beautiful, it was awesome. They were the best times of my life. Thank you for loving me, thank you for being so real, so sincere, so genuine. Thank you for letting me love you.

I've learnt that our heart is true to our feelings and our emotions. No matter how much we try to fake or deny, the heart never lies. I've been trying to suppress, to control, to kill my feelings, to let go, to move on, all sorts of rubbish to tell myself not to love you. But the truth at the end of it is, I love you. It has been so tiring, so draining to force myself on something that is not true. Now, I just want to accept it and come to terms with my own feelings. I will fully experience all my emotions, all my feelings, accept it and know why I feel how I feel. But because we are friends, so there are some things I can only feel it myself, know it myself - and that's ok. But you know what? You deserved to be loved. No matter how unworthy you feel, you deserve to be loved. I've seen you at your best and at your worst, and I accept both of it - I accept you fully for who you are. The more I understand about you, the more I love you.

But...so what if I love you? So what if you love me? We are only friends bah.

I only can tell myself, life goes on. I only can keep telling myself, this is what you want, this is what is better for you, this is how you feel, and I want to give it to you. Now you have so many things to settle and think about, to sort out, you go ahead with those. I don't wish to be in the way, but rather, a supportive friend and encourager.

No matter what decision you make or want to do, I just hope you will be happy. After everything, I just hope you will come out of it stronger, better and most importantly, happier. We all have our own lives, and no matter how we feel on things, we need to accept them, embrace them and move on from it.

We don't know what the future will be or become, but as for now, I just want to live in the present moment, to be there for you as a friend through this period of time, to appreciate and be happy being friends with you. I no longer keep dwelling in the past because it will never be back, I will always keep them in my heart while moving forward and into my current days. I want to cherish you more as a friend, treasure you more while we can, and give you what I can as much as I can. Now is now, that's all I know.

Maybe I have always been strong, because of all the pain and misery I have been through all these years of my life. But you know what, every night I go to bed feeling so weak, so vulnerable. But love conquers. No matter how hurt, how broken I was and I am, my giving never stops. I never left. This, is the power of love.

Sigh.

I can't but I can.

Thank you for sharing with me and telling me things now. Although it may not be everything, but for every little thing you tell me, I appreciate it.

I feel and understand what you are going through, but I am helpless, I am not a saviour. I can't take away all the problems, but I can stand by. I can be here.

Understanding.

You don't wanna talk or say anything, I'll understand.

You want to be alone, I'll understand. 

You want to be quiet and do your own things and have your own space, I'll understand.

You prefer talking to your gaming friends rather than a physical friend, I'll understand.

You don't want to be close to me anymore, I'll understand. 

You just want to be friends with me, I'll understand.

You said you cannot be with me, I'll understand. 

You want to let me go and move on, I'll understand. 

If I'm no longer the person whom you can talk to, share you everything with, open up with, makes you happy, I'll understand.

For all the hurt and sadness and how you made me feel - I will all understand. While I can.

I understand the amount of change you are going through and about to undergo.

I understand the kind of emotions you face and feelings you deal with.

I understand the level of stresses and expectations you have of yourself.

I understand all the indescribable frustrations you have within you.

I understand you, because I always do. 

On my own.

When you're single, you can't afford to be vulnerable.

I'm not able to share my life, my heart, my feelings, my everything with another person. At the end of the day, I'm just alone by myself.

I guess we all belong to ourselves. We don't belong to anyone else or anything. You belong to yourself.

I will do my best to live my singlehood - in emptiness, in pain, in silent suppression.

Other than gaming, I'm going to start reading. In need of peace, silence, healing and wisdom.

Nobody cares.

Nobody cares if I'm sick or not.
Nobody cares if I needed or wanted something.
Nobody cares if I'm hungry.
Nobody cares if I'm feeling sad or angry.
Nobody cares if I'm ok.

Whenever you ask, at a call, at a text, at a request, I'll always say yes or try my best to do it or give to you. All the time, you get what you want.

But just a simple little something from me once in a blue moon, it's always a no, no matter how little it is. I guess I know now. I guess you do things only for yourself and your own interests bah, it was never for me or because of me.

I have been giving all my life, when will I be able to receive?

I really know now. Fml.

Too much.

No matter how hard I try to suppress, to bury, to deny, to not show it out. The truth never lies. The heart never lies.

 I love you too much. Too much.

Paradox of the Heart & Mind.

Listen to your heart, and the mind doubts. Listen to your mind, and the heart is not satisfied.

They always say follow your heart because the heart never lies. Can I? Should I?

How about you?

You before Me.

Through all the good times and the bad, I will be there.

If sitting there beside you in silence is enough, I'll do so.
If you need a listening ear and you want to talk, I'll do so.
If you want to let it out and want someone to know how you feel, I'll do so.
If it makes your life more bearable and your moods better, I'll do so.

Every little gesture, or action, even in silence, is for you.
I will be there if you need someone, if you want me to.
Until the storm is over, I will be there with you.

I am not sure if you will ever realise, if you will ever appreciate my presence and all that I am giving. Because sometimes I really feel so hurt and empty. But I will understand.

I have always placed you before myself. Still the same now.

Even as we are only friends.

Everything in Silence.

I don't know why the treatment to me - so cold, so neglecting, so hurtful.

I told myself not to ask because I want to do my best to be understanding. Or at least tell myself so.

I swallow everything down, how I feel and how I think, suppressing and controlling. Just so that I will be there, even if invisibly, to accompany you and hope you can enjoy yourself.

I know. I am just another friend to you. Or maybe even lesser.

Dreaming Reality

Even in my dreams, my reality is haunting me. Just when I thought sleeping is the only way to forget about what I'm feeling temporarily.

So lost, I'm faded.

I don't know about you, but I guess now you have other friends, other people and other priorities that are more interesting, more entertaining, happier and better than just me. I'm just a fool hanging no where going in circles.

I guess you don't care about how I feel, what I think, what is happening in my life anymore as well. Kinda hard to believe that things have just changed suddenly. You don't tell me everything anymore, you don't feel like and you don't want to. If so, I am doing the same as well. Because we're friends right? This is how friends should be? Yeah ok, I'm on my way.

I don't want to be emotionally attached to anyone or anything anymore. I am sick of my life, tired of all the emotions and feelings that I'm suppressing and repressing every now and then. I don't want to feel anything anymore, I just want to be numb to all of these.

I want to guard my empty heart, my empty soul, and never show my feelings anymore.

Overwhelming Emotions.

I'm just a fucking nobody - why can't I drill this into my dumb head. From a somebody, now I'm just a nobody. Ownself already know clearly but why still like this???

I hate myself for being so worked up. Why? Is it because I suddenly forgot I'm just a friend? I slipped my mind and allow myself to have expectations just because I felt differently? That fucking moment when I did not hold it back...I so regretted it.

I just want to be as numb as possible to all my feelings. I want to hold them back, hold all my feelings back and inhibit them all away. Whatever happens, I can only tell myself that we are only friends and no big deal about it. Things have changed, people have changed and I better fucking tell myself not to have any fucking expectations. Cut all the fucking questions and stop all the ridiculous concern because nobody gives a fuck whether I care or not or how I feel.

However I feel, whatever I feel, it all has to be repressed. I really don't want to think about it or feel anything anymore. I fucking hate emotions and feelings now. I don't want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to fucking kill all my emotions and feelings.

I feel so fucking weak inside me.

Fuck my life, seriously.

Lost.

I don't know what is right and what is wrong anymore. I guess emotions and feelings have no right and wrong...has it always been right or has it always been wrong? I've always thought following my heart will do, as long as the feeling is right. But why do i sometimes feel otherwise now? Is it because I don't feel appreciated or taken for granted for, or things shouldn't be this way now? I really don't know anymore.

Just a Nobody.

I don't know why I can't stop feeling jealous, or rather upset? I know I have no rights to be feeling like this but everytime it's so painful :(

I guess I'm just a nobody to you, that you have other priorities, that you attention is given to someone else, that you time and your all your emotions are to anyone and anything but me.

I'm so pathetic. So stupid. So hopeless.

Repression.

I feel so helpless everytime when I see you so upset, so moody, so frustrated and so drained. I wish I could do something for you. I wish I could take your place.

Seeing you so down makes me so weak. I'm trying to be strong everyday so that I can be there for you. I try so hard not to be emotional, not to give in to the demons inside my mind.

I don't know if my presence does make anything better because your silence speaks so loud. Sigh.

I'm trying so hard everyday not to feel or show what I'm truly feeling and thinking. This is what I have become.

Hidden Anxiety.

I'm trying to be strong so that I can be there for you. Everytime I see you feeling so emotional, it really pains me. I feel so helpless not knowing what is going on, and I really wish I could do something for you. It's your journey but I hope to be there to walk with you to make the walk better.

Please be strong, I know you can do it.

Sigh, when will things have a proper closure so that everyone can start moving on? :(