Only the end matters.

At the end of the day, only the ending matters. Nothing else in between would.

Over the past week I've been trying my best to adjust, change, adapt, accept, embrace, and understand. I would be still doing so. Sometimes I get so tired and drained out until I don't really feel like feeling anything anymore, but other times these demons inside me kept haunting me.

I feel so jealous, all the time, it hurts so bad. Maybe it's because I feel insecure. Maybe it's because things are no longer the same. Things have changed. You are talking to anyone else but me. I feel so empty. So incomplete. Dumped far away and pretending like nothing ever happened before.

I think, I keep thinking. I think of what are you doing, how are you feeling, and if you are doing everything else that you did to me to someone else. I think and I care, but seriously, at the end of the day, who really gives a shit about me? I realised nobody cares about me, not you, not anyone.

But I don't deserve. I have no rights to be feeling what I feel. I have no reasons to feel insecure, jealous. I can't even ask for any assurance from you, or even anything from you at all. All the feelings and emotions that I face everyday, that I feel everyday, that I struggle with everyday, I don't deserve and I have no grounds to have them. Why? Because we are only friends.

I tell myself everyday that we are only friends because you said we can only be friends. Whatever happens to us, be it what we do or how we spend our time together, what we say or how we feel, I've come to realise that it doesn't even matter because at the end of the day, we are only friends. So what if I love you so much, so what if you love me, so what if we can't let go and can't move on? So what? There's really nothing much left to say because only the ending matters - that we are only friends.

Every time I want to do something, say something, I had to control and think twice because now we're just friends. There is so much suppression and control going on, I don't know if I will ever break down one day or when I will become so vulnerable and weak all over again. I miss everything so much but I also know that it's all now the past. Reality is so cruel. My life is so cruel.

Since this is the so called ending right in my face, I have no choice but to face it. If this is what you want, I've said before I will respect it. Because at the end of the day, I just hope you will be happy, and I wish the best for you, I wish you everything enough for you.

I'm trying and I will always keep trying. It's painful but if things has to be this way, this is probably my fate and destiny in life. I have never chosen to give up or to leave, but if this is the end, I will do as it is, and I know I have given my all. I always have, unconditionally.

The least I could do now, is to be here for you, as a friend.