It took me quite some time to accept and really register into my dumb head and hopeless heart, the very brutally cruel reality today...that we just have to be friends. No, we can only be friends.
I guess it finally settled inside me after so long of my last hopes of little nothings. I could not understand a lot of things, and why...but I got so frustrated of my mentally tiring mind that I guess since things have come to this, I guess it's somewhat an ending for me, whether I like it or not.
As what they say, change is the only constant in life. Today I truly understood what this means. I have always been so afraid of changes, fearing changes that might cause me to lose something I used to have, or certain feelings that I experience. I hated change because I've always wanted to have and be in what I am comfortable in, what I love...but life hit me hard that this is ridiculously wrong. My life has been dramatically changed recently, every day, every moment. I missed the past, all the memories, how real I could still be feeling everything at the back of my head. But things have changed. They are no longer the same, people don't feel the same way anymore, time changes and things change. Last time is last time, today is today, future is future. My mind has been opened, I hope.
I have accepted and embraced that for the things I have no control with, no understanding with, I need to open up and let it be. Let it go, go with the flow. I had been so caught up with my mind and my own emotions that I forgot to step back and look at what is really happening. This period of time has taught me that things will never remain all the same - people change and things change. There is nothing like forever in moments. We all have to move on and let go, only memories remain and time will do the rest. I have slowly started to accept all of the above, right now the only thing I can do is to do what I should do...being friends.
I no longer can have any expectations. I no longer can have any hopes of anything. I am very clear and I was told many times that the outcome is no ending, the ending is no outcome. It's ok, because I understand. I understand how you feel, how you think, what is affecting you and what concerns you. It's really ok, if you want to be friends, then lets be friends.
On the outside perhaps I will seem like everything is fine and ok, but deep inside me everyday, it's an endless struggle. I don't know how to be friends. Especially so when it's you. We had been otherwise for so long that I've felt like we have lived together for a lifetime. It's so tough...but I will try and I will do so because this is what you want and perhaps what is better for you. I guess perhaps right now to you it's easy and possible, maybe it's just me who needs to deal with myself.
This is of no use to say now but I guess it doesn't matter if I did or didn't. I have persevered so much in the past, suffered so much alone, gone through all the worst traumatic experiences alone and till today I am still here. They say time will tell what is true and what is not, I think this amount of time over the past many years have proven myself. I saw you when you had everything, I was with you when you had nothing. When you were at your highest, when you were at your lowest. When you showed me your darkest, and when you shone at your brightest. I never have judged you, because I am willing to accept everything. I was willing to try and give my best and my all. I have never expected anything because I was willing. Action and time tells it all, I'm not sure if you can see it. I see something in us, between us, for us. Unfortunately, you feel otherwise now and you think differently. Ok, I have to understand and accept it. We will have to only be friends as you want it. I will be happy and grateful for this.
Maybe I have never told you this before...I have never given up and never wanted to, but since this is what you want, I will do so, knowing that I have given my all. I have never regretted anything and all I gave - my time, my youth, my feelings, my everything...I gave it all with my heart. Thank you for our past, it was the best times of my life and the most memorable lessons in my life.
I will bury all that I have in me into the depths of my heart. You will always have a special place in here...always.
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