Hi world, it's about...1140pm now. I can't sleep even though I'm feeling really drowsy and whatnot, but my heart aches even greater than all other sickness in my body right now.
You know, I've found myself always right about my instincts and how I usually feel about things. Sometimes it's ironic, because most of the time I usually don't care about anything that happens around me but when I do, I'm really into deep shit with it. Perhaps sometimes I may be over sensitive about some issues (which I do realize), but sometimes...it just bugs me until the truth smacks right into my face - which was what I just received. We all know it and we just hate to admit it - you know you already knew, but it just hurts so badly when the truth hits you right in the face. It does.
I tried being really practical and logical and everything I could be. I asked for clarification, I asked for explanation, I asked for confirmation, I asked. And man, it sucks when all you've got is - yes that's it, that's the truth. Sigh, and there you go...I have to accept it embrace it admit it whatever you call it. I thought for once I was really being nice and diplomatic, rational and calm, everything I could do just to have a smooth, short and clear communication. I don't know if it went like 100% well, but I guess what has been said (repeatedly) has got to be the truth - it IS the ugly truth that I knew all along.
Should I say that I'm...disappointed? Or hurt? Or upset? To be honest, I think I'm almost feeling all the negative emotions everyday until all seems to be the same to me now -.- I'm such a depressed emo kid right, I know. Can't help it, life's been so torturous to me that I'm who I'm today. I don't even know if it's a good or bad thing now that I know of such truth...but no matter what, I just feel very lousy knowing that such things happen to me. I always thought otherwise...but yeah, I am always that naive.
I'm totally unsure of when is the day that I would actually lose my sense of feelings....hahah, looking at the rate that I'm experience roller coaster emotions every now and then - silently overwhelming deep inside of me. Maybe I should just withdraw to my own silent soul and be numbed to everything else in this world. Ok that's an emo thought but I'm seriously feeling that I'm becoming more and more like that each day.
But well, recently I find that I've grown up I guess...not sure how to put it but I feel it. It's something good I suppose...afterall we all should always be evolving in the mind and attitude.
I can't really understand how can someone just dump you on your own, leaving your feelings aside and wait till you're ready then you address it. I mean, if you had a heart, you would at least think of how much hurt or damage you did to the person? Honestly, I feel that feelings is something that we should always address immediately. If you choose to wait until tomorrow or whatsoever, it can be too late because the feelings felt and the feelings accumulated the last night will all just be digested and reflected to the person overnight. Does it make sense? To be frank I really hate being left alone to deal with my feelings because I feel so alone. But yeah, I forgot I was always alone going through difficult emotions.
Ok fine, I know the angels in my head are telling me that I had enough of all these undeserving treatment and I shouldn't even be like this. I know I know, I'm blind I'm dumb I'm anything bad in the dictionary. Sigh, this sucks so badly. I'm so helpless sometimes.
Ok time check - 1210am. I wonder how long will I toss and turn before I get into sleep. No, actually I wonder if I can even get to sleep...
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