So finally, this year has come to an end. I guess I've pretty much not accomplished anything even though I started working. Many many things have happened and I'm glad I've survived through the stormy days. And now, although I've not become stronger but I'm definitely better.

Next year will be better! ;)

Sleepless night

Ok this really sucks because i cant get to sleep and it's getting so frustrating. Tossing and turning around for God knows how long already.

Sigh, made me really think back of the past and got reminded of all the hurtful and painful memories i had before - none of which i could feel happy or blissful about. Had it made me become who i am today, stronger and braver? I dont know, i guess i'm more to being numb from feelings and emotions.

It's really sad that im so out of touch with society and my social circle is shrinking to nearly a dot. I used to know many ppl, hang out with many ppl and having a life that is happening and unpredictable, but its so different now. Not that i love knowing people, im still super anti social but it sucks to feel lonely sometimes.

It sucks when everyone else around you is getting attached, all but me. It sucks when you see ur ex doing well and having an enjoyable time. It sucks having to feel alone. I know i dont deserve to say these things bcos i chose it myself, but what can i do?

I tell myself that i can still be happy being single and alone. I dont believe in relationships and marriages because everyone's so selfish you dont know if they are real or fake. And the truth is i cant see myself loving someone. I dont know how to love someone normally and properly. I have lost the capability of having everything that is normal in this life.

Ok i guess i'm just as unhappy as always.

That's why i hate it when i cant get to sleep. The emo mind comes out and damn, it gets so frustrating.

Morning reflection.

We can't balance anything in our life. If you choose something, you have to give up something else in return. That's how life changes. 

Haizzzzzzz.

It still sucks no matter how much you tell yourself it doesn't.

Bunny love

This is like super random but I love my bunny! 

Hehehe, so cute.

No words can describe how lousy I'm feeling.

Something to think about.

How possible is it for people of two different worlds to come together as one?

Does incompetency exist? Does inferiority exist? Does fear of judgements exist? Does esteem issues exist?

It's like a poor girl getting together with a rich man's son.
It's like a educated girl getting together with an uneducated boy.
It's like a well-mannered girl getting together with a hooligan boy.

Will it really work out? Do we see each other really equal or does every difference between people impose discriminations?

& Amazingly, this kept me wondering for the longest time ever.
& Sometimes I think about if I ever deserve anyone.

The heart factor.

Ok...since I've got some explanation...I shall try my best to really digest it and understand. It sucks because of how I'm feeling...but I guess I have to get with it. I don't really know how should I react or feel anymore.

Sigh.

Because the truth always hurt.

Hi world, it's about...1140pm now. I can't sleep even though I'm feeling really drowsy and whatnot, but my heart aches even greater than all other sickness in my body right now.

You know, I've found myself always right about my instincts and how I usually feel about things. Sometimes it's ironic, because most of the time I usually don't care about anything that happens around me but when I do, I'm really into deep shit with it. Perhaps sometimes I may be over sensitive about some issues (which I do realize), but sometimes...it just bugs me until the truth smacks right into my face - which was what I just received. We all know it and we just hate to admit it - you know you already knew, but it just hurts so badly when the truth hits you right in the face. It does.

I tried being really practical and logical and everything I could be. I asked for clarification, I asked for explanation, I asked for confirmation, I asked. And man, it sucks when all you've got is - yes that's it, that's the truth. Sigh, and there you go...I have to accept it embrace it admit it whatever you call it. I thought for once I was really being nice and diplomatic, rational and calm, everything I could do just to have a smooth, short and clear communication. I don't know if it went like 100% well, but I guess what has been said (repeatedly) has got to be the truth - it IS the ugly truth that I knew all along. 

Should I say that I'm...disappointed? Or hurt? Or upset? To be honest, I think I'm almost feeling all the negative emotions everyday until all seems to be the same to me now -.- I'm such a depressed emo kid right, I know. Can't help it, life's been so torturous to me that I'm who I'm today. I don't even know if it's a good or bad thing now that I know of such truth...but no matter what, I just feel very lousy knowing that such things happen to me. I always thought otherwise...but yeah, I am always that naive.

I'm totally unsure of when is the day that I would actually lose my sense of feelings....hahah, looking at the rate that I'm experience roller coaster emotions every now and then - silently overwhelming deep inside of me. Maybe I should just withdraw to my own silent soul and be numbed to everything else in this world. Ok that's an emo thought but I'm seriously feeling that I'm becoming more and more like that each day.

But well, recently I find that I've grown up I guess...not sure how to put it but I feel it. It's something good I suppose...afterall we all should always be evolving in the mind and attitude.

I can't really understand how can someone just dump you on your own, leaving your feelings aside and wait till you're ready then you address it. I mean, if you had a heart, you would at least think of how much hurt or damage you did to the person? Honestly, I feel that feelings is something that we should always address immediately. If you choose to wait until tomorrow or whatsoever, it can be too late because the feelings felt and the feelings accumulated the last night will all just be digested and reflected to the person overnight. Does it make sense? To be frank I really hate being left alone to deal with my feelings because I feel so alone. But yeah, I forgot I was always alone going through difficult emotions.

Ok fine, I know the angels in my head are telling me that I had enough of all these undeserving treatment and I shouldn't even be like this. I know I know, I'm blind I'm dumb I'm anything bad in the dictionary. Sigh, this sucks so badly. I'm so helpless sometimes.

Ok time check - 1210am. I wonder how long will I toss and turn before I get into sleep. No, actually I wonder if I can even get to sleep...

SIGH.

I can't help but to put others above myself. I am so selfless sometimes until I can't stand it.

Life's revolution

Was at Sepang yesterday. Lol extremely tiring trip with a sick body.

I guess life's always changing. We always never thought that we would end up with what we are now back then. I never thought that I would end up not going to university and started working. I never thought that I'd be working and doing what I am now. I never thought my rice bowl would revolve around motorsports. But I guess I'm lucky enough because I don't hate cars and I didn't mind learning about cars from the start. Maybe when I was young I already liked cars...but oh well, never thought I am actually having to be so much into it now. Maybe if I was ambitious and younger I would have went to become a racer and get myself famous, haha. Never thought that my life would actually turn out to be like what it is today.

People always call me a workaholic. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing but the truth is, I am who I am not because I choose to be, but I have to be. Too many underlying reasons for this...but all I can say is, nobody really understands why - and they tend to make such statements or judgements about me. But well, I'm not bothered really.

I used to love holidays but now I'm very restless about it. I know I can't blame anyone but myself for some things in life that I find myself feeling so bitter, but sometimes I hate myself that life's so unfair to me. So contradicting right. Don't know why but I'm starting to feel all alone as usual. Ok I have to admit, I am always alone. I'm not being emo here, just being practical about my sad life.

Actually to be honest here, I'm still struggling hard after the last incident where I was left cheated badly. I really don't know how to recover myself from it. Everytime I would get paranoid and unsure about some things. I choose to trust, but...perhaps I need some assurance...or perhaps I'm just deprived of too many things I could have in life.

Sigh, how to ever be happy?

CHEATED.

My life has been extremely depressingly exciting lately. 

Today I found out that I've been cheated for almost a year. Yeah, CHEATED for the first time in my whole 20 years of life. Wow, WHAT A LIFE REMARK.

Ok. To be honest, after my one hour of cry out, here I am in a more calm state to slowly reflect about my pathetic life. I know I'm freaking weak but I really need to cry - afterall i'm just a girl.

SO.
I USED to think I was being strong enough to keep believing and trusting in you because it wasn't easy. But I guess I'm just a fool who is oh so damn naive and didn't know what the heck was going on. Seriously stupid moron idiot retarded. There I was, fighting and working so hard but what were YOU doing out there? I felt like I was being stabbed right in my heart a thousand million times. So what's trust to me now? Can I still trust anyone? Can I still trust YOU?

I know of MANY cheating methods. You know, exam cheating; game cheating; money cheating etc. And I've got the WORST CHEATING TREATMENT - FEELINGS. Oh God, why are you so damn cruel to me please. WHY. There I was, thinking that you are not doing anything that would hurt me, I trusted you but ok, I GOT CHEATED OF MY FEELINGS. To me, this was something extremely sentimental and close to heart. Something that I would never expect you to do, something that is so impossible to happen. I THOUGHT YOU KNEW ME WELL ENOUGH TO TELL ME INSTEAD OF LYING. I was so wrong.

Lets say if it was somebody who lied to me - like maybe a stranger, or a passerby, or some random friend whom I can't really remember, or just a stupid advertiser on the streets. I WOULDN'T BOTHER. WHY HAS IT GOT TO BE YOU? WHY YOU?!?!?!?! And life is so unfair it always has to be someone who is either dear or important or close to you to do this to you. WHAT SHIT IS THIS?! I felt like my trust was taken for granted - in fact EVERYTHING taken for granted! OH MY GOODNESS, SHOULD I CRY OR BURST IN ANGER?!

Then you know what's the best part? THE STORY HASN'T END! There's a freaking part 2. Which is what? WHICH IS THE AFTERMATH. Ya, even the greatest drama or movie maker didn't produce such innovative plot of content. After I was kena cheated like a year, I thought like some efforts were made to TRULY GENUINELY try to build up the foundations of a good relationship but guess what. SURPRISE - it was actually just to MAKE UP FOR THAT GUILTY ACTS SINCE A YEAR AGO. Wow I'm totally impressed. I hate myself for being so naive.

I've heard it many many times. You heard of white lies? Of course I know, white lies are lies that are meant to be GOOD. But hey, let me tell you - a white lie is STILL A BLOODY LIE. STILL A BLOODY LIE! A STUPID LIE DOESN'T MAKE ANYONE HAPPY! What's the point of telling me it's meant to be a good intention lie. YOU LIED TO ME! YOU BROKE MY TRUST FOR YOU! IF YOU KNEW ME YOU WOULDN'T EVEN LIE NO MATTER HOW BAD THE SITUATION WAS! OMFG. And the best part? A LIE THAT YOU JOLLY WELL KNOW I CANNOT TAKE IT. Ok, talking about understanding my feelings? NO YOU NEVER DID. You could have told me anytime but you did not. It was your intention to keep it from me.

I thought you have changed from the past. Little did I know you were still the same, just using different ways to hurt me. I'm so stupid. I always thought there would be someone out there who is always real and true. Now I know, I will never ever trust anyone or give my heart to anyone anymore.

Thinking back about EVERYTHING THAT I'VE DONE AND GIVEN, I FEEL REALLY CHEATED AND DUMB. I CAN'T DESCRIBE IT MORE. ALL MY EFFORTS AND EVERYTHING I HAVE GIVEN ARE ALL WASTED.

I think I'm lost for words. Too speechless, hurt, angry and upset over everything. BYE.

Self Righteously Disgusting.

I can't help but to just feel so disgusted and irritated by some people who THINK they are right and don't bother to do some self reflection on themselves.

You are a leader but you don't behave or think like one. So utterly disappointed.

Life is unfair.

Ok.

My week started in an extremely horrible manner - close to midnight yesterday, war happened in my house AGAIN. I hate to say it but yes, it's either cold war or hot war - period.

You know they say "do unto others what you want others to do unto you"? So likewise, if you don't respect me not understand me, how to be not the same as you?! And come on, I'm freaking 20, and in 1 years' time I am turning into an adult. So please kindly stop those ridiculously nonsensical thinking of yours.

Seriously. I can't wait to have a life of my own (truly of my own). Not that I want to be sadistic or heartless or unfillial but apparently I have lost the feeling of kinship and whatsoever that's related. Whatever you say, I'd rather be an orphan because it makes no difference.

So anyway, I'm buried in my zombieness because I had a very lack of sleep last night, accompanied by my usual dreams that made my sleep even less effective. Grr, and now I'm in the office trying not to dose off. Of course, people blog because they are bored or they are free or they just have nothing better to do but rant and complain and gossip about things in life. And here I am, hurhur.

Back to topic - yes life is unfair. SO unfair. Although I would always love to think that life's great and life's beautiful but sometimes you just feel that your life sucks because you are not happy about something you CAN'T change. Some people can live life positively because they have what they need to be contented with life. Oh well. I think this is a never ending topic. So never mind.

A random made-alive post.

Life's been really busy recently. And I've actually lost touch with blogging ever since I started working.

Life has not been treating me well - i'm actually trying to survive everyday. Surviving what?

1. Money issues
2. Everything that arises from money issues

And I tell you, it SUCKS.

But well, I believe the better days are starting soon ;)

Time flies and it's the year end now - guess there's nothing much for me to look forward to but a better year ahead. Work never ends, so we always have to keep on moving.

A stab of reality

I didn't like what happened today afternoon :(

Emoed.

Sometimes I find myself losing the purpose of what I'm doing everyday, feeling empty of everything in my life that I don't have. Sometimes the struggles I face makes me wonder why did I choose those decisions back then.

It's such an irony to hate and dread the many beautiful things in life just because I can't have it and I don't have it. Is that very pathetic? I would think so - but yes, I'm that hopeless.

I guess sometimes, nobody really understands :(

It's so difficult to accept - even though nothing much really changes. The only difference is that now, I am alone facing the same things.

Like a dream, a very beautiful dream.

Everything...gone.

Sigh, so confused.

Sigh, why am I like that.

A fool's confession:

I thought I could be strong but I failed.

Everytime it hits me, it hit me even harder.

I'm too busy taking care of Evo and EduTorque now :')

A little further.

Recently while my dad was in the hospital, alot of things went through my mind. I started thinking further, a little beyond my adulthood. When we grow old and have to face illnesses and even death, how scary and fearful it is. Sigh, and going through it alone is even worse - will anyone take care of me and be there for me if i chose a path that is only on my own?

Not sure of my life anymore too, but I guess...at least I'm happy to be independent as of my status now.

So many things are changing as we grow older, sigh...phases of life.

For now I just wanna focus on what I'm doing and have a clear vision of where I'm heading to in life.

Doubt anyone's reading my blog now since it's so dead lol. Oh well. May be a good thing I guess.

Don't know if it's a good or bad thing but I'm just taking one step at a time now... :\

Being a woman is so tough sometimes.

The silent emptiness.

Sometimes you know it REALLY SUCKS but you are still in it. Dumb or what?

When something don't matter to you anymore, it means you have stopped caring. That's when things start to change. And before you know it, you may just find yourself changing...without you realizing it.

Am I starting to find that I am needing something more of which I cannot have? I think as time passes and life moves longer, the reality becomes closer, what I need becomes greater.

It's depressing to know that I cannot have what I am in need of and want in life. Is anything or anyone making me feel that all that I'm doing is worth? Are all the returns reflected to me what I deserve? What can make me at least a little happier? Who can?

The gap.

It doesn't quite feel good when everyone else has what you don't & cannot have... sigh :(

Physically, mentally and emotionally tiring :(

I think I should close down my blog really soon. IT'S DYING! Lol.

Anyway, life's been mundane - as the norm. Busy with work, and stress stress stress. 

The only exciting thing about my life right now is taking driving lessons, haha!!! 

Not sure if anyone is still reading my emo blog, but i guess some of my random friends still do. Hurhur, nothing new - still very emo lol.

After so much of what i've given and done...this is what i get?

I guess I've been trying really hard but I still do not see and feel it. So now, I will try even harder with the other alternative.

Life's been too busy and too boring for me to blog, hahaha.

The same crossroad.

What do people do when they're sad? Right, chocolates.

Can't believe i'm so foolish yet helpless. Of all kinds of lives I have to be living this one.

How to believe when people just have to break your faith? How to trust when many times people repeatedly do the same thing? How much time must I give to something that will never change?

Right, and not mentioning about being unable to see and realise and appreciate what others have done and given. Does insensitivity and ignorance conquers a true heart?

Is it so difficult to understand someone wholeheartedly?

Why am i still here?

Back from 8 days of overseas trip with yeejoo. Guess it wasn't really the right time as I was working half my time with business calls coming in and things like that. Oh well. Work is never ending for me I guess, even during school holidays, sigh.

Anyway, overseas to Taipei & Hong Kong was O-K, just that my whole face got dried up cos of the VERY cold weather -.- and of course, haven't had a good sleep for quite some time! Haha.

So now's back to work...the thought of "chasing" people is just so demotivating :'( Don't understand why such people are sooo inefficient.

Location now: Taipei.

The happy thing is: I'm out of home.

The saying goes, "What cannot break you makes you stronger".

But somehow in my life, everything that I try to strong about breaks me.

Do business not easy. What to do? Different people different colours.

I hope all that I've given is worth it.

-

Life without school is indeed very different, but I guess I'm happier without having to study. Hehe. 

The working world is never a piece of cake. 

-

I believe in life's simplicity in making oneself happy. When we earn money, we spend AND save. Who on earth thinks that we must ONLY save? Ridiculous mindset. Money is never enough in reality anyway.

Trying to keep the momentum and motivation going isn't easy, but what drives you going will keep you moving.

Although nothing changes & I wouldn't feel any better, I'll try my best to control my emotions.

Emptiness.

Nothing can get sadder than not knowing how to be happy.

Sometimes I live my life as if everything's fine. Guess most people are like that as well.

But who are you really deceiving? 

Human nature.

Lets face the practicability of humans - they are all selfish.

Parents think that we should follow the default by going to university, further our studies, get a proper paper certification so that we can make it big in the society and earn a living. You may think, they hope for the best for us - could be true. But. The reality behind this truth is that they hope so because then, we will be able to give a good life by earning big bucks and they can just shake leg - they think it is a must and a need and they deserve it. What's worse? Because of our educational background and even our career paths, they use it as a form of showing off to friends and relatives. Ultimate motive? For their own face and their life. Where did that "support" from parents gone to?

Some friends who are going with the flow are doing it for the sake of doing it because they want to appear "well to do" and educated beings in the society. They are kiasi and kiasu, scared that if we are not doing the same as what others are doing, then we will be seen as the odd one out. How many friends out there genuinely concerns about what you LIKE to do and WANT to do? Do they just tell you that you SHOULD be doing what they are doing and just push you to be like them, so as to be grouped under the same social circle together? And yes, we do have friends around us who are like that - for the sake of a social life. True friends will never be as such.

Superiors(past bosses, managers etc) may seem to appear caring and friendly - they ask about what are we doing, how are doing and what do we plan to do. You may think that is some form of concern and keeping in touch - wait a moment. This is part of their strategy to make you work for them because they need such people like us who may have some form of advantage or benefit to them. Communication in the working life has become so grey that I myself, is starting to doubt the root of every speech that is being made.

Highlight of this post? We are always just alone because everyone is selfish. 

Alright, I think I've neglected my blog somehow ever since I started working - this showed that i am REALLY busy. Aha, busy does not mean enjoying life by the way.

Here's my definition of busyness:
- not enough sleep
- too many things to do aka things to do are never ending
- not enough time
- feeling stress!

Why stress? Final poly year + working + church commitments.

Although that damn research paper is over now, but now is the worrying stage - i hope i can pathetically PASS it, especially when i have a tutor who is so...ugh. And I just can't wait to get over the stupid interview 'cause I think that's totally redundant. Hate to see my tutor again and get humiliated and insulted and whatever you can think of. I don't think I will do well for it, but oh well.

Can't wait for school to be out of my life so that I can focus fully on work as well.

Life still sucks in some way though...guess I'll never know how to be happy, sigh.

I'm trying to lose weight but I'm always hungry :(

Too stress.

I just can't wait to get over and done with school. Don't care whether do well or not, just want it to be over so that I can stop being so burdened and sian and stressed with so many commitments on hand :'(

Totally not in the mood for fyp, especially when we have sucky tutors, bleh.

Motivation at its rest.

The last lap feels so close yet so far.

Don't underestimate the power of 15mins - it can make or break someone's day.

I realised I haven't been blogging much recently - other than being emo and more emo -.- duh, hopelessly speechless at myself sometimes.

Life has been too happening lately; mentally and emotionally. Undergoing many many changes over the year, and still unsettled at the moment. But I'm heading towards a new direction right now, and I know what I want.

Graduating really soon, new phase new focus :)

Ciao for now!

Cant sleep.

How much more of me to go through so much more of us? I guess, it's never enough.

Taken for granted.

Are all my efforts and going-throughs even seen and recognised?

All geared up to the success of my career!

OMG LAST DAY OF INTERN!!!

Try being in my shoes;

It's more than just another sorry,
It's more than just another thank you.

I know what I get never changes.
I know nothing ever changes.

I tried very hard to assure myself, by myself.

When you don't know how else should you feel...please be home soon.

It's always a pleasure to give more than taking - it's the art of loving.

No mood to do anything at all!

It's always me going through everything all by myself anyway.

Faith walking on broken glass;

how to believe, assure, and convince yet again?

Time and time again.

How much strength left to be positive, to hold on, to carry on?

Hello world I'm so looking forward to the end of internship, come on time pass faster please.

Nightmares

Actually I'm not as strong as I appear to be :(

So many changes and commitments this year, sigh. Hope i will be able to survive through!

Can't wait for intern to end seriously, i'm getting so sick and tired of everything already - need a break -.-

& totally not in the mood for CNY.

"If there ever comes a day when we cant be together, keep me in your heart and I'll stay there forever." 

- Winnie The Pooh

Ten more weekdays.

Yes, I have always trusted you.

Because for us;

It will take some time to heal, but we'll move on with it.

Nothing more left to say; damage done.

A heart's silent cry

Knowing and feeling; think again.
Saying and doing; think again.

Time and time again, how many more times? How many more chances? How many more disappointments?

So much for giving so much. So much for trying so hard. So much for going through so much.

Speechless.

In the next 365:

To have the strength to be strong & hold on;
To have the willpower to control & persevere;
To have the courage to embrace & accept;
To have the passion to love & understand;

For the better, for the happier, for you.